Man on the street Jokes - page 9

Wrong Of A Kind

One day, two boys were walking home from school when suddenly they saw a hot girl walking down the same side of the street, but unfortunately, a buff man was walking next to her. “Wow, look at her! She’s hot!” one whispers to the other. Eventually the two boys pass the girl and guy, and one they turn around to stare. “Wow, look at that ass!” says one. “Yea, he must work out…”

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Lions fan

This guy and his dog went to a Lions game and the security guard told the man that he couldnt bring a dog into the stadium. The guy said, “Come on man he is a die hard Lions fan!” But, the security guard insisted, “No, its against rules but theres a bar across the street you can bring the dog to watch the game.” So they went to the bar across the street. They sat down and as they were…

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After the Physical

A 92-year-old man went to the doctor for his physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow-up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” The man replied, “Just doing what you said, Doctor: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful’.” The doctor said, “That’s NOT what I said. I said you got a heart murmur.…

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Marital Bliss

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know…

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Suicide?

A true story from Associated Press, by Kurt Westervelt. At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, the president, Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story: On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit…

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Irish Drinking

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is…

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Variations on the ‘I Love You’ Virus

The “I Love You” virus that infects users of Microsoft’s outlook has morphed. Watch for these variations: – The “I love you, too” virus – Responds with an appropriate letter stating that the user loves you as well. Spreads peace and harmony throughout the corporate workplace, causing lost productivity and chaos on Wall Street as no one tries to screw anyone else out of a deal. – The “I’m looking for more of a commitment” virus – Receives the “I…

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Take your pick…

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter himself. “Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an executive make it this far, and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”…

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Could Things Get Worse?

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper: A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and…

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Sayings that should be on BUTTONS

01. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 02. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 03. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? 04. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth. 05. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after. 06. Do I look like a fricking people person? 07. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting. 08. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 09.…

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