M ms Jokes - page 23

A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate. He goes up to the farmer and says, “Excthuth me, can I have a look at your horth?” “Sure”, says the farmer,”come on in.” The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to the farmer “Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want…

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The church’s gardener had just finished cleaning the courtyard of a large accumulation of pigeon droppings when another flock landed on the statuary in the garden. Furious, he began yelling at them “Fuck off, you bastards, fuck off!” Just then, the pastor came out and, hearing how upset the gardener was, said to him, “There’s no need to use profanity, my friend. Just wave your arms and say ‘Shoo, birdies, Shoo, birdies. You’ll see, they’ll fuck off.”

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Part of my friend’s job as a technical writer is to help produce the company newsletter which goes to their clients. He was asked to come up with a list (ala Letterman’s Top Ten List) of funny things one can do with Thanksgiving leftovers. He applied my head-bone to the problem for an hour and we came up with this list. Seal them in concrete and call it a time capsule. Send it to the Smithsonian with instructions to open…

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This guy decides to go ice fishing one day, so he gets up at 2am to have an early start. When he arrives, he gets out his saw and begins carving away at the ice when all of a sudden he hears an echoing voice, “There are no fish under the ice there.” The dude freaks out looks around but sees no one. So he waits a few minutes then decides there is no one around and keeps carving. A…

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Maurice Barrymore was the patriarch of the famous acting family of stage and screen, and was himself an actor and amateur boxer. When he was finally being laid to rest, the straps supporting the coffin became twisted. The coffin, already lowered into the grave, had to be raised again so an adjustment could be made. As it reappeared, Lionel impulsively nudged John and whispered, “How like Father—a curtain call!”

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