Irs Jokes - page 45

Best Choice!

A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars. The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, “I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you dear!” The second girl returned with new hockey and golf…

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Billy Bob’s in Town

One day the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots. The sheriff asks, “Billy Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town undressed like that?” Billy Bob replies, “Well Sheriff, me and Mary Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin’. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a-kissing and a-cuddlin’ and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well then…

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Bragging Texan

“I know that smart-alec Tex,” said the first cowboy. “He’s going to start bragging about that new car he bought as soon as he gets here.” “Not Tex,” said the second guy. “He’ll always just be a good ol’ boy. When he walks in, I’m sure all he’ll says is ‘hello.’” “I know Tex better than either of you,” said the third man. “He’s so smart, he’ll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now….” Tex swung…

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The Lawyer in Heaven

St. Peter greeted two newcomers at the Pearly Gates. One was a pope; the other was a lawyer. He ushered The Pope to a small shack and settled him in to his austere quarters; then led the lawyer to a huge, luxuriously appointed mansion. “I don’t understand,” the lawyer puzzled. “That man was a Pope, and you gave him a shack. And yet, you’ve said I am to live in this luxurious, huge mansion. Why?” “Sir,” said St. Peter. “We’ve…

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Blonde Commutes to the City

The blonde wife came home from her first day of commuting into the city. Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, “Honey, are you feeling all right?” “Not really,” she replied. “I’m nauseous from sitting backward on the train.” “Poor Dear,” he said. “Why didn’t you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for awhile?” “I couldn’t,” she replied. “There was no one there.”

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Glad to Be a Woman

I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am. I don’t live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam. I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections. I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I don’t get wasted at parties, and act like a clown. And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt. My belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer…

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The Three Little Pigs Revisited

One day in Sicily, the three little pigs were outside playing cards when all of a sudden the big bad wolf comes along. The three pigs scurry around and start building houses to protect themselves from the wolf. The first pig builds a house of straw. The wolf spots the house and he huffs and he puffs and he blows the house down. The pig escapes and runs over to Pig #2?s house made out of wood. Along comes the…

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VIRUS ALERT!

There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propagated through the e-mail system. If you get an e-mail message with the subject : “VIRUS ALERT!” do not open the e-mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system. VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing yof su ew fosi zxyc fpfpphgas kdjfk skjsdkf ajhds sjhdf oque augdx dsu8 sudk vsaiu ajdk vlkjf !

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State Visit

President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, orchestrated state visit to England. Air Force One stops at a bright red carpet along which the President strides to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to 6 enormous matched white horses. The coach proceeds through the streets of London en route to Buckingham Palace, the Queen and the President waving to the cheering throngs. Then suddenly the right rear horse produces…

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Father Knows Best

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, “You say you’ve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?” The wife replies, “It’s my husband — he’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!” “How does he drive you crazy?” “For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the…

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