Ins Jokes - page 53

1. Scrub toilet and flush several times.(You may consider this step optional.) 2. Fill toilet with warm water and add a squirt of pet shampoo. 3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut. 4. Sit on lid. Cat’s efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motions. 5. Flush toilet a couple of times to rinse the cat. NOTE: Hold securly to leash attached to cat in toilet. 6. Leap off toilet seat, dash…

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Two guys were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under a blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water. On the tenth day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near,…

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I will be flying tomorrow, so let’s take a look at these RULES OF THE AIRWAYS: Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are MANDATORY. Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous. Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky. The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire. Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. LANDING is the first! Everyone knows a “good” landing is one from which you…

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Here are some examples of WHY English is the most difficult language to learn: We polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. A farm can produce produce. The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse. The soldier decided to desert in the desert. The present is a good time to present the present. At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum. The dove dove…

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OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out names and addresses of people you don’t know. WHEN reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists. A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity. BUS DRIVERS: Pretend you’re an airline pilot, by…

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A man owns a business and has two employees; Jane and Jack. They are both very good employees but business has been bad and he finds he has to cut back on staff and lay one of them off. But which one? They are both equally industrious and productive. He wracks his brains for hours and finally decides that he will watch them the next day and lay off the first one that takes a break. Well, the next day…

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If your goal in life is to do as little as possible, and you get away with that…does that make you successful? If love is blind and marriage is an institution, does that mean that marriage is an institution for the blind? If you can buy more memory for your computer…why can’t people? What does an imperfect stranger look like? The term “free gift” never made sense to me…has anybody ever said to you…”I bought you a gift, now that…

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You know you’ve had a really bad day when you find out your pregnant, and your mom is too. You know you’ve had a really bad day when you go into the post office, come back out, get into your convertible and realize, hey I’ve never had a convertible. You know you’ve had a bad when the cops pull you over for looking like a suspect on America’s most wanted. You know you’ve had a bad day when you go…

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