Ins Jokes - page 100

Tech Support for Wives

Dear Tech Support: Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SundayFootball…

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A Good Scare

My friend, George, an ex-Marine Aviator, wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightening crashing all around us. We lost the radio and instrument capabilities. As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, “DANG!!” Fearing the worst, I asked, “What’s wrong now?” George replied, “I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me.”

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Cow Game

PLEASE FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS. 1. Say COW before each word: Cows About Talking Idiot This Got I Long How Look 2. Say COW after each word: Cows About Talking Idiot This Got I Long How Look 3. Say COW before and after each word: cows About Talking Idiot This Got I Long How Look 4. Start at the bottom and read the words upwards. Cows About Talking Idiot This Got I Long How Look

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What NOT to say to a Police Officer

Things Not To Say To The Nice Police Officer 1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, I didn’t realize that my radar detector wasn’t on. 3. Aren’t you the guy from the village people? 4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me. 5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop. 6. Bad cop! No donut! 7. You’re gonna check the trunk,…

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the clock room

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It?s a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, ?I?m not very busy today, why don?t you let me show you around?? The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.…

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Wrong Taxiway

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming “US AIR 2771, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I TOLD YOU TO TURN RIGHT ON “CHARLIE” TAXIWAY; YOU TURNED RIGHT ON “DELTA.” STOP RIGHT THERE. I KNOW IT’S DIFFICULT TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Cs AND Ds, BUT GET IT RIGHT!!!”…

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Cannibal’s Q&A

Q: What did the notorious cannibal Hannibal Lecter do when he entered an “eat-all-you-can” restaurant? A: He had two waiters, one busboy and half a maitre’d. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: He wiped his butt. Q: What did the cannibal say when he first saw a skating rink? A: “What do you know … People on the rocks!” Q: Why do cannibals avoid eating stand-up comedians? A: Because they taste funny. Q: Why…

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Whole Lotta Yo Mama

SO BIG Yo mama’s so big, that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step. Yo mama’s so big, her belly button’s got an echo. Yo mama’s so big, she can’t wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landing on her back. Yo mama’s so big, she rollerskates on busses. Yo mama’s so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers. Yo mama’s so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker. Yo mama’s so big, she uses bowling…

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Well, she was different!

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery, she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her…

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Read JokeWell, she was different!