Ing Jokes - page 447

Johnny Learns Anatomy

“For today’s science class, we’ll be looking at anatomy. I’ve brought in this dead cat so we can all have a look at how it functions,” started the science teacher. The teacher asks a bright young student sitting in the front row, “Can you tell me how the cat’s teeth stay in, young man?” “Sure! Its gums hold them in!” replies the kid. “Ok, someone else, how about the fur?” “Its skin holds it on!” replies another bright student. “Ok,…

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The Bus, The Doctor, The Onlooker And The People In The Bus.

In a very crowded bus, one busy Monday morning, a passenger unable to resist an urge releases it silently, but the smell gets so bad that the people in the bus had to get out. The passengers, who were very annoyed asked the driver to send off the person responsible for the stinking act, but they were unable to point out who it was since everybody was accusing somebody. The accusations became very unorganised and the commotion attracted a big…

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The Nest Egg

Jones was having difficulties in business. “If I had as little as a thousand dollars in actual cash right now, this minute,” he said to his wife sadly, “it might make all the difference.” “If that is all,” said Mrs. Jones, “then all is well.” She ran upstairs and came down with a large jar filled with bills. “I’ve kept this as a secret nest egg. You see, ever since we got married, I put a ten-dollar bill into the…

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Twenty Push-Ups

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informs him that he is not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender tells the drunk the he can prove he isn’t drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor. As he is doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy doing his push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the…

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Help MOMMY!!!

Little Johnny was a young boy, just potty trained. When he went to the bathroom though, he hit everything but the toilet. So mom had to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and took Lil’ Johnny to the doctor. After the examination, the Dr. said, “Well, his unit is too small. An old wives’ tale was to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he…

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Cultural diversity

At a local college, there was a dance.. this guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America, we call this a hug.” She says, “yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too.” A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call this a kiss.” She says, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too.”…

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The Little Man

A man with a very little man on his shoulder enters a bar. The little man is no more than a foot tall. “Set ’em up”, says the man to the bartender. “I’ve got to drink these fast.” The bartender is not fazed by unusual happenings in his pub and sets up a dozen whiskies in front of the man. The little man jumps down from the man’s shoulder and begins kicking over the shots as fast as he can…

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Clinton’s Pigs

Bill Clinton bought two pigs for Hillary, and Chelsie, while in Dallas. when he was gettin on Air Force One, A Secret Service agent said, “Mighty fine pigs you got there Mr. President.” “Thanks. This one’s for Hillary (refering to the one on the right),And this one’s for Chelsie.” (refering to the one on the left) The Secret Service agent smiled and said, “Good Trade.”

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One liners

Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? A. Slow down and use a lubricant. Q. What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? A. Money Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? A. It’s not hard. Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Q: Who is the most…

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Medical Miracle

An Israeli doctor said, “In Israel, medicine is so advanced, we can replace a man’s kidney and have him looking for work in six weeks.” The German doctor said, “That’s nothing. In Germany, we can replace a man’s lung and have him looking for work in four weeks.” The Russian doctor exclaimed, “Pah! In Russia, we can take half a heart from one man, put it in another man, and have both of them looking for work in two weeks.”…

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