Ing Jokes - page 410

Best Friends

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet, country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her skirt. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car and stomped home. That night she wrote in her diary, “A girl’s best friends are her own two legs.” On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up…

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Man on a roof

There is a huge flood and a man sits on his roof. He starts panicking, knowing he can’t swim. This man happens to be a priest and decides that God will save him. A lifeboat comes along asking the priest if he wants any help. The priest says, “No, God will save me” A helicopter comes along asking the priest if he wants any help. The priest says, “No, God will save me” A cruise liner comes along asking the…

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Rich Guy

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He had everything: money, a big house in Beverly Hills, women, cars, planes, bonds and stocks; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So at the party, he and his friends are all standing around drinking and partying next to the pool. The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up. He…

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Screw Chainletters

Hello, my name is Jonathan McKenzie. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before…

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Dear John Letter

A soldier serving overseas and far from home was very bitter and terribly upset when his girl wrote that she was breaking off their engagement and wanted her photograph back. Being a sort of creative fellow, he went out and collected all the unwanted photographs that he could find from his buddies, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following: “Dear Mary, Regret cannot remember which one of these is of you…please keep…

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Who has the best medicine?

Three doctors, one from Russia, one from Ireland, and one from the United States, are at a doctor’s conference. They are arguing over who has the best and most advanced medicine. The Russian says, “We have the best medicine. We can take out a man’s liver and have him looking for work in a month. The Irish doctor says, “That’s nothing. We can remove a man’s heart and have him looking for work in two weeks.” The American says, “We’ve…

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Bathroom Policy

To: All Employees In the past, employees have been permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines, resulting in loss of employee time and production. Effective January 5, 1986, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent and precise method of accounting for each employee’s restroom time, as well as ensuring equal time for each employee. Under this policy, a Restroom Trip Bank (RTB) will be established for each employee. The first day of…

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20 Pick Up Lines

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plan you right here! 2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let’s go screw. 3. Just call me milk, I’ll do your body good. 4. Your body’s name must be visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be. 5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? 6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can…

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Twinkie

A little girl goes to the barber shop to get her hair cut. As the barber is cutting her hair she is eating a twinkie. The barber says, “Hey little girl, you are getting hair all over your twinkie.” She then replies, “Ya I know, I’m growing boobies also.”

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Will Work for Food

Franchises Still Available! Yes!!! Make big $$$ (tax free) with your very own… “WILL WORK FOR FOOD” Franchise We supply the cardboard sign We supply the prime location We supply the thin clothing We supply fake Veteran card if needed We supply a special 90 minute instructional tape “How To Look Homeless” Say good-bye to that dead end job. Call today, operators are standing by, just dial, 1-800-RIP-UOFF!! Now until the end of the month, as a bonus, we will…

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