Ing Jokes - page 377

Tire sale

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, “Here is a great sale on tires!” His wife replied, “What do you want tires for? You don’t have a car.” He came back with, “I don’t complain when you go out and buy a new bra!”

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God’s Gift to Women

Two women were chatting at the local rodeo when they noticed a man strut by . . . shirtless and wearing tight cut-off shorts. “He must think,” the first woman said, shaking her head, “that he is God’s gift to women.” The second one laughed and said, “I hope he kept the receipt.”

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Johnny’s ABC’s

“Ok, now who can recite the alphabet for the class?” asked Johnny’s teacher. “Raise your hand if you would like to try”. Johnny raised his hand, yelling, “Teacher, teacher! I have to pee!” “Ok Johnny, recite your alphabet, then you can go. Well, not wanting to be rude to the teacher, Johnny started slowly. “Stand up when you speak,” said the teacher. He stood up, crossing his legs. “ABCDEFG… um.. HIJK… hmmm… LMNO…. ummm..QRSTUVWXYZ” “Very good,” said the teacher, “but…

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Big as…

One day a man walks into his backyard while his wife was tending the flowers, and says to his wife, “Hunny, your ass has gotten to be as big as the grill!” She gets up and says, “That’s not a nice thing to say!” and goes back to work. He comes back out with a tape measure…”Yup, surely ennough, your ass is as big as the grill!” The next Day he hugs his wife and nudges her. “What do you…

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Two guys save a life

Two guys were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. The two guys are staring at her while she drinks her martini and all of a sudden she begans to choke. The two guys get up and run to her end of the bar. The first guy said “Can you speak?” She shook her head No! The second Guy said “Can you breathe?” She shook…

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Little Johnny’s Bible Lesson

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill. “Johnny what’s the matter?” she asked. Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

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Why?

Why did the deaf and blind man cross the road? I don’t know, but he sure didn’t know that that truck was coming………

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GATOR WRASSLIN’

In the everglades of Florida, there is an alligator wrestling demonstration going on. The guy is doing his thing with the alligator, the normal stuff you would see like opening the gator’s mouth and placing his inside, putting the gator in a headlock, flipping the gator, etc… Once he is done with this, he turns to the crowd and drops his pants and his underwear. He then reaches into a small wading pool next to him and pulls out a…

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All expenses PAID!

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off…

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Little Johnny in Sunday School

One day at Sunday school, the teacher was asking the children where Jesus lives. The teacher called on one of the kids who replied, “Jesus lives in my heart.” “Very good.” said the teacher. She calls on another kid. “Jesus lives in Heaven.” “Very good,” said the teacher. Little Johnny is in the back of the room waving his hand to be called on. The teacher didn’t want to call on Johnny, but does anyway. “Jesus lives in the bathroom,”…

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