Ing Jokes - page 355

City Slicker

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to raise chickens. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me 100 baby chickens.” The co-op man complies. A week later, the man returns and says, “Give me 200 baby chickens.” The co-op man complies. Again, a week later, the man returns. This time he says, “Give me 500 baby chickens.” “Wow!” the co-op man replies. “You must really be doing well!” “Naw,” said the…

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Lawyers as Patients

Four doctors who hadn?t seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar. Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they turned their conversation to who makes the best surgical patients: The first said, for sure, electrical engineers. ?You open ?em up,? he contended, ?and everything is color-coded.? ?Nah,? said the second. ?It?s librarians. You open ?em up and everything is alphabetized.? The third scoffed. ?Of course not,? he said. ?It?s accountants. You open ?em up and everything is…

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Absolute Accuracy

Mr. Smith, in the course of an out of town trip, had met a most accommodating young lady and had spent a satisfactory night with her in the motel at which he was registered. At least, it was most satisfactory until about 3 A.M., when the young lady began to weep in heartbroken fashion. Mr. Smith, worried lest the noise of weeping attract unwanted attention, and untterly uncertain as to what might follow, said nervously, “What’s wrong, miss?” The young…

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Foul Language

There is a parrot that swore like a sailor. He could swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. The…

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Read JokeFoul Language

Fall TV Schedule

Thursday’s Schedule for the new Fall Television season: NBC 8:00 Friends 8:30 Girlfriends 9:00 One Guy with Several Female Friends 9:30 My Gay Friends FOX 8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain 8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating Children on Tape 9:00 Jiggle It Beach 9:30 LA Chicks 10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode UPN 8:00 The Unwatchables 8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings 9:00 Theoretically Existing Show 9:30 Praying For Syndication 10:00 The Last Thing You’d Ever Want To…

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Read JokeFall TV Schedule

man in a bar

One day a guy walks into a bar sits down and orders two shots of scotch. He drinks the shots pulls a picture out of his pocket and says, “Bar tender, two more shots please!” He drinks the shots and again pulls the picture out of his pocket. “Bar tender, two more shots please!” The Bar tender asks him, “Why do you keep ordering two shots and then look at the picture in your pocket?” “The picture is of my…

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The old lady

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, ” Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn’t really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.” The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”…

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Read JokeThe old lady

Happy Anniversary

A couple had been married 50 years and were celebrating with a champagne breakfast. Joe, the husband, looks across the table at his wife Marion with a gleam in his eye and says “Do you remember what we did at our first breakfast after we were married?” Marion smiles and says, “Well, I think we didn’t even put our nightclothes back on after our honeymoon night. If I remember right, we had breakfast together stark naked.” “How about we do…

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Little Jonnie’s summer

After summer Little Jonnie started back to school in the third grade. The teacher told the class that it was time to talk grown-up and to stop talking baby talk. She then told the class that she wanted them to tell what they did on summer vacation. The first student got up and said that she went to Nana’s house over the summer. The teacher told her to say grandmother’s and not Nana’s because Nana’s was baby talk and she…

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Read JokeLittle Jonnie’s summer