Ing Jokes - page 283

I gave it up.

A businessman was feeling rather ill and went to see the Doctor about it. “Well, it must be your diet,”, reported the doctor. “what sort of greens do you eat?” “Well,” the man replies. “I only eat peas. I hate all other green foods”. “Well man, that’s your problem…legume intolerance. Those peas will be clogging up your system, you’ll have to give them up.” “But how long? I mean, I really like peas!” “Forever, I’m afraid,” intoned the doctor. The…

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Read JokeI gave it up.

Cock-eyed

Did you here about the Jones baby? He was born without any eye lids, so the doctors decided to use the skin from his circimcision to make him eyelids. The operation went great but they said they would have to wait a couple of weeks to see if was going to be cock-eyed.

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Read JokeCock-eyed

Smells like…

This cowboy walked into a bar and saw a beautiful blonde sitting on a stool. He walked up to her and asked her, “Can I smell your pussy?” The blonde says, “Certainly not.” The cowboys says, “Oh, then it must be your feet.”

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Read JokeSmells like…

Pulled Over

I heard about a young lady who was speeding, and an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn’t have her seat belt on so, as soon as she stopped, she quickly yanked it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, “I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?” “Oh yes, I do, Officer,” she purred. “Well,” asked…

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Read JokePulled Over

Coffee, tea or what??

There was this guy sitting on a plane waiting for take-off. The pilot comes over the loud-speaker and announces their destination and the altitude at which they will be flying. Not realizing that he has left the loud-speaker on, the pilot leans over and says to the co-pilot: “I could really use a cup of coffee and a blo-job”. Almost instantly, a stewardess runs to the front of the plane to inform the pilot his mike was on. Upon seeing…

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Read JokeCoffee, tea or what??

Concerned Teacher

Little Benny came home from his first day of school and said, “Mommy, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers and sisters who will be coming to my school.” “That’s nice of her to take such an interest in your family, Dear. What did she say when you told her that you are the only child?” She just said, “Thank goodness!”

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Read JokeConcerned Teacher

How to read a film

Here are some film phrases to help you in your film viewing. Classic- A really boring movie that no-one likes. Ten Best- The 10 worst movies. (Usually Classics) Landmark- A really, REALLY boring movie. (Like 2001) New-Wave- The directors a lunatic, and no-one can make head or tail of the movie. Review- A biased analysis of a movie made by people who care about things like plot, theme and acting; things that have nothing to do with the enjoyment of…

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Read JokeHow to read a film

Cure for the Common Cough

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then, a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob’s warning, he sold the man a box…

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Read JokeCure for the Common Cough

What a Deal!

Two golfers were getting ready to tee off one morning and one says to the other: “Hey! I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!” To which the other golfer exclaims: “Wow!! Now THAT’S what I call a TRADE!!”

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Read JokeWhat a Deal!