Ing Jokes - page 271

Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 12th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger double-wide. The husband then went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children but they couldn’t afford a costly operation, either. The doctor told him that there was a home procedure called a redneck vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb,…

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Siren

A little boy had a little red wagon and he had his dog tied up to it. The boy was sitting in the wagon as the dog was pulling him very slowly. A man walks by and says to the boy, “You know that if you tied that rope around the dog’s neck instead of his balls he would pull you around faster.” The boy looked at the man and replied, “Yeah, but then I wouldn’t have the cool siren.”

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God Created Woman…

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden Of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.” “What’s the problem, Adam?” God replies. “Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me. You have surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I am lonely.” “Well, Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you.” “What’s a woman, Lord?” “This woman will…

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Scared or Apprehensive?

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet and sad and looking a pit pale, so I struck up a conversation. “Scared, Lieutenant?” I asked. He replied, “No, just a bit apprehensive.” I asked, “What’s the difference?” He replied, “That means I’m scared with a university education.”

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Grammatical Uses of the ‘F’ Word

Grammatical Uses of the Word Fuck Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word “FUCK.” It is the one magical word, which, just by it’s sound can describe Pain, Pleasure, Love and Hate. In language, “FUCK” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck)…

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If It Weren’t For The Movies

Things You’d Never Know If It Weren’t For The Movies: Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed. One of a pair of identical twins is evil. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. It doesn’t matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one…

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The Last Laugh

An Irishman is driving down a quiet country road when a policeman drives up behind him and pulls him over. “Excuse me sir,” the copper says, “I don’t believe that this is your car.” “I can assure you it is,” Paddy replies. But the PC still doesn’t believe poor old Paddy, so he gets him out of the car and onto the road. The policeman then proceeds to draw a circle around the Irishman and returns to the car. “I’m…

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St. Peter

A man died and went to heaven. At the gate St. Peter was there and he said, “What have you done to enter these gates?” The man replied, “It was very cold outside just the other day and I gave a bum on the street $.15 for a cup of coffee.” “Is that all?” St. Peter asked. “No,” the man said, “Yesterday I gave a lady that had gotten mugged on the street $.10 for the payphone so she could…

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