Hy Jokes - page 32

The Golden Screw

The parents of a newborn son were devastated to learn that their baby was born with a golden screw in his navel. Surgeons had never seen this before, and fearing it would harm the boy, refused to operate. The parents were very religious and accepted the birth defect as God’s will. The mother never gave up faith, and as her son grew up she prayed daily for God to cure him. The boy was very shy, always hiding his golden-screw…

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Blind man’s RUBBER…

This man, his wife, and their EIGHT children, and a blind man, were waiting at the bus stop one day. The bus came, the wife got on, then the eight children one, by one. The two men had to walk because there was no more room on the bus. The family man, and the blind man are walking along and the constant tapping of the blind man’s cane REALLY started to annoy him. So he said to the blind man,…

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Guess What I Learned Today, Mommy!

One afternoon, a little girl excitedly approached her mother and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, “Really, Sweetie? Why don’t you tell me all about it?” The little girl explained, “Well…OK…the Mommy and the Daddy take off all their clothes, and the Daddy’s thing sort of stands up, and the Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sorts of explodes, and that’s where babies come from.” Her…

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The Grumpmeyer Diamond

The statuesque blonde walked into a dinner party on the arm of a scowling tycoon. She took her seat at the dinner table while her escort conversed with other guests. A woman sitting nearby couldn’t help staring at the huge gem hanging from her neck. “Excuse me,” the woman said, “but I must tell you… that is the most gorgeous diamond I’ve ever seen.” “Why, thank you. It’s the Grumpmeyer Diamond.” “I’m surprised I’ve never heard of it”, the woman…

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Now That’s a Bad Sign

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so. He said, a bit sheepishly, “I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this…

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The Signalman

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him. “What would you do if you realized that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?” “I would switch the points for one of the trains,” Andy replies. “What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector. “Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Andy, “and I’d…

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Alaskan Midget Nuns

Two Eskimos, a big one and a little one, go to their local Alaskan convent with a question. The big one nudges the little one and says, “Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door.” The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big Eskimo nudges the little one and says, “Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question.” The little Eskimo timidly says, “May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?” The…

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Getting The Most Buck For His Bang

In the early days of his career, author Erle Stanley Gardner, creator of the famous Perry Mason mysteries, churned out stories for pulp magazines at the rate of 200,000 words a month. As he was paid by the word, the length of the story was more important than its quality, and he tended to draw the maximum potential from every incident. His villains, for example, were always killed by the last bullet in the gun. Gardner’s editor once asked him…

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