Hy Jokes - page 118

Who discovered America?

The teacher is giving the class geography with a globe. She askes Peter if he can point out North America. Peter turns the globe for a few seconds, then answers correctly. “Very good, Peter,” the teacher praised. Then, turning to another boy, she asked, “Johnny, who discovered North America?” To that Johnny answers, “PETER!”

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Christmas Joke

At this fancy hotel in Chicago, there was a chess tornament going on. That night, some of the participants had gathered in the lobby to disscus what had gone on that day. After awhile, they had gotten very loud and the manager came out to complain. “Hey, shut up or get out!” he yelled at them. “Well why?” asked one of the chess players. “Because I hate chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!” he shouted.

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The Stewardess

The Jumbo 747 had just reached cruising altitude on the flight from New York to Los Angeles when stewardess Cathy Moran brought the Captain and the Co-pilot hot cups of fresh coffee. “Thanks, gorgeous”, winked Captain Prescott. “You come up here and sit with me any time you want.” Cathy Moran was not flattered by his flirtations but she smiled and withdrew to resume her passenger duties. “Ladies and Gentlemen,” announced the pilot over the P.A. “This is your Captain…

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Top 10 signs you’ve joined a cheap HMO

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters. 9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.” 8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. 7. Only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter. 6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is “an apple a day.” 5. Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 4. “Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges” is not a typo.…

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Things to Think about

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone…

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Doggy Haiku

I love my master; Thus I perfume myself with This long-rotten squirrel. I lie belly-up In the sunshine, happier than You ever will be Today I sniffed Many dog behinds – I celebrate By kissing your face. I sound the alarm! Paper boy – come to kill us all Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I sound the alarm! Garbage man – come to kill us all Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I lift my leg and Whiz on each bush.…

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Costume Party

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots. “Where is your costume?” the husband asked. “This is it,” replied his wife. “What the heck kind of costume is that?” asked the husband. “Why,…

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An Earful

“Doctor’s Office Etiquette” A man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, “Yes sir, may we help you?” “There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.” “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said. “We do not use language like that here,” she said. “Please go outside and come…

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