Hospital bed Jokes - page 2

If Men Got Pregnant,…

If men got pregnant… – maternity leave would last two years, with full pay. – there would be a cure for stretch marks. – natural childbirth would become obsolete. – morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem. – all methods of birth control would be 100% effective. – all children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained. – men would be eager to talk about commitment. – briefcases would be used as diaper bags. –…

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Blondes’ Revenge

Blondes, having endured years of abuse, have finally responded. Here’s what they have to say about redheads and brunettes! ********* REDHEADS ********* How do you get a redhead to argue with you? Say something How do you get a redhead’s mood to change? Wait 10 seconds If you love a Redhead, set her free … if she follows you everywhere you go, she pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she’s yours.…

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It must be true, I read it on the internet

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M’s (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is “MM” in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there’s no actual chicken in…

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Last Words

Ol’ Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not…

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Yo mamma — THE LIST

YO MAMMA IS SO FAT ?Yo momma so fat her nickname is “DAMN!” ?Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. ?Yo momma so fat we’re in her right now ?Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise ?Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone ?Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors ?Yo mamma so fat you have to roll over twice to get off…

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Funny from the Headlines

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked “intellectual leadership”. He received a $26 million severance package. With a Little Help from Our Friends! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up… …And What Was…

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Whole Lotta Yo Mama

SO BIG Yo mama’s so big, that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step. Yo mama’s so big, her belly button’s got an echo. Yo mama’s so big, she can’t wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landing on her back. Yo mama’s so big, she rollerskates on busses. Yo mama’s so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers. Yo mama’s so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker. Yo mama’s so big, she uses bowling…

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GASH

Ralph, feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests. After the lengthy exam, he wakes up hungry and quite groggy. Ralph looks about, noticing that he is now in a private room at the hospital. Just then the phone by his bed rings… “This is your doctor,” said the serious voice. “We just got the results back from your battery of tests. Obviously, you have lead a very promiscuous life.”…

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Bill’s Rash

While undressing for bed one night, good ole Bill notices something like a red rash around his you know what. Alarmed, he thinks, “I can’t let Hillary see this!” He makes an appointment to see his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day. “Doc,” he says, “I’ve got this red ring around my, you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it?” The doctor says, “Well, I’m not exactly sure what it is, but…

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Always Look @ the Bright Side!

A man wakes up in the hospital to find his doctor looking down on him and soon the doctor says, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we were forced to amputate both your legs.” The man, after regaining his composure, then asks, “What on earth is the good news?” With a slight smile, the doctor replies, “The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers!”

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