Hey al Jokes - page 99

Lost my Wife

A middle-aged man is out on a date with a lovely young lady. At the restaurant where they sat having dinner, the young lady asked him. “Have you ever been married? The man says, “Well, yes I was. But, I lost my wife a long time ago.” “How did she die?” asked the young lady. The man replied, “She was eaten by a huge 200 lb pitbull. It’s her own fault, though. She should’ve known how dangerous it was. Why,…

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Jonny goes to the Game

Little Jonny goes up to his Dad and says, “Dad, can I have $5 to go to the football game”? His dad screams, “FIVE BUCKS! When I was a boy, I use to go down to the game and drill a hole in the fence and watch through the hole!” So little Jonny goes down to the game and drills a hole in the fence, and just at that moment a guy sticks his dick through the hole for a…

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10 Words That Don’t Exist (But Should!)

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of debris at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of…

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Things You Learn as You Mature

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big weenie or huge…

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naked in the rain

There was a young couple who had driven their car up to a secluded spot that overlooked the city. They made out and eventually ended up naked in the back seat of the car. It began to rain in sheets. The man said to the lady, “We should probably go before this storm gets too bad.” They climbed into the front seat and started the car. When he pushed on the gas the tires just spun and the car didn’t…

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Murphy is Dying

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad new for you … you have the cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.” Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There he saw his…

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WHAT?!

This elderly couple, that lived in Ohio, was driving back from Alabama where they were on vacation. The wife is hard of hearing. But on there way they got stop for speeding in Kentucky. Well the cop comes to the window and says “Sir do you know you were speeding” and the wife asks ” WHAT DID HE SAY?” the husband replies “He said we were speeding” the wife says “oh” The cop looks at the man drivers license and…

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Panda Bear

A panda bear entered a restaurant ordered food, ate it, shot the waiter, and began to walk out. Somebody protested saying, “You can’t do that!” And the panda said, “It’s in the dictionary!” They looked it up and the dictionary said, “Panda, eats shoots and leaves.”

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Three Doctors

Three surgeons were at lunch one day having a conversation about what they liked the most about operating. The first surgeon said: “I like operating on accountants because their insides are numbered.” The second surgeon said: “I enjoy operating on librarians because their insides are in alphabetical order.” The third doctor said: “I really love to operate lawyers becasue they are spineless, heartless, gutless, and best of all, their heads and asses are interchangeable.”

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