Hey al Jokes - page 79

The Jerk

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello?” I politely said, “This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?” Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung…

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If Men Got Pregnant,…

If men got pregnant… – maternity leave would last two years, with full pay. – there would be a cure for stretch marks. – natural childbirth would become obsolete. – morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem. – all methods of birth control would be 100% effective. – all children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained. – men would be eager to talk about commitment. – briefcases would be used as diaper bags. –…

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Nuns

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. “Who is it?” calls one of the…

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Never Satisfied

Two college presidents were talking about how difficult their jobs were. “I wish I ran an orphanage,” said the one president, “and then I wouldn’t have to deal with parents and all the crap they give me.” The second one looked up and said, “I’d like to be the head warden responsible for death row inmates.” The first president look surprised and said, “Why would you want THAT job?” “I wouldn’t have to deal with alumni,” he replied.

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Puns Spoken Here…..

One witch told another witch, “I want one of those new computers that has a spell checker.” Don’t bother inviting the Invisible Man to your Halloween party. He won’t show up. Sometimes he makes excuses, but they’re all transparent. You don’t have to worry about Daylight Savings Time at Halloween. The holiday is always on Green Witch Mean Time. Western Union opened an office in a graveyard so the spooks could send and receive cryptograms. Vampire pick-up line “What’s your…

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Karate Advantage

Hank was a not-too-smart kind of guy. Every day when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three men who would beat him up and steal his money. Finally, Hank decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn’t happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well defending himself. So, one day, on the way home from work,…

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He Got Nailed

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveing at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair–there were plenty of other cars around me going just as…

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