Hey al Jokes - page 74

Cartoon Laws

Cartoon Law I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second^2 takes over. Cartoon Law II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on…

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Truth about Snow White

Researchers have finally figured out the truth about Snow White after many years of study, and came to the conclusion that she was a prostitute and the seven dwarfs were just little midget pimps. Why else would they go around singing “Hi-ho, Hi-ho, it’s off to work we go” all the time?

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Lumberjack Applicant

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks’ door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. “Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man. “Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack.…

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Bear Hunting

Three guys,a Russian, a Swede and a Czech, decided that they wanted to go bear hunting. They read all the books, asked the pros for advice, and got all the state of the art equipment. When they got to the reserve they told the guard on duty, “If we don’t come back in three days, come looking for us.” And with that taken care of they drove on into the wilderness. Three days passed and still the guys hadn’t shown…

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easy rent money

Fred knocks on his friends door. The wife answers and he asks, “Is John home?” She says, “No, but come on in and wait, he should be home anytime.” She offers him a beer and after about 3 beers, John still hasn’t shown up yet. Fred says, “Hey I’ll give ya a $100 if I can see one of your tits.” Well, she thinks, “Boy that would help with the rent. So she pulls up her shirt and flashes him…

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Car Crash Incident

One poor old fellow is driving along one day and has a really bad car accident… he wakes up in hospital and can only see out of one eye… the doctor looks at him and say “I’m sorry, but we had to replace one of your eyes… with a rounded piece of rimu tree” So when he gets out of hospital his mate comes round and tries to cheer him up by taking him to the bar. When they get…

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The young comic

Back in the early 60’s, a young fellow walked into a talent agent’s office and said he wanted to break into show-biz. The agent said, “O.K. kid, show me what you can do.” The kid told some jokes, did a little soft shoe, sang a bit, did an acrobatic act with an ottoman and was good enough to impress the agent. “Great kid! Just great!” said the agent. “I can do things for you! I think I can get you…

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Women are from Venus?

Remember the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? Well, here is a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University, English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing, Prof. Miller. __________________________________ In-class Assignment for Wednesday: Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a…

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He’s the boss, of course….

There were three guys talking in a pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?” The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.” The first two…

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