Hey al Jokes - page 61

Candy Store

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how’d you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?” Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn’t help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to…

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Parrot on Titanic

Mrs. VanAstor was seated beside her luggage in the First Class Passenger waiting room beside the pier at South Hampton, preparing to board the HMS Titanic when a British sailor approached her with a parrot. “Excuse me, Mum,” said the limey, “but Butch, that’s me parrot here, we wuz lookin forward to visitin the Colonies but I wuz just told they had enuff staff and I’m not needed, and Butch is terrible disappointed. Would you mind takin him with you?…

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How to lose weight…

How to Lose Weight at Work Without Doing Much Here?s the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume. Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75 Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100 Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150 Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50 Passing the buck . . .…

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This Crazy English Language

The English language is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French Fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And…

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Little Johnny at school

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put up their hands if they knew the correct sound. “Who knows what sound a cow makes?” she asked. Cindie put her hand up and said “Moooo!” “Very good,” replied the teacher, “What sound do sheep make?” “Baaa,” answered Jimmy She continues like this for a while. Then she asked, “What sound does a pig make?”…

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Black Panties

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to go get back into the world. Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, “Mama! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit! They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks…

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Scribbling for a Living

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.” The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.” The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece…

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Duck Hunting Aggies

Two Aggies went duck hunting. Days later, after having no luck, they decide to buy a couple of specially bred duck hunting dogs. They return to their blind near the lake with their special dogs. Later that morning, ducks fly over. They don’t get any ducks. Hours pass and many ducks fly over but still, they have not killed a single duck. Finally, one Aggie turns to the other, “Do you think we’re throwing them up high enough?”

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Quarterback Blitz

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touchdown and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitor’s favor, the home quarterback finally blew his top. “How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you…

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