Hey al Jokes - page 136

Human Nature Laws of Behavior

“The Law of Avoiding Oversell” When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. “The Law of Common Sense” Never accept a drink from a urologist. “The Law of Reality” Never get into fights with ugly people; they have nothing to lose. “The Law of Motivation” Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. “Boob’s Law” You always find something in the last place you look. “Law of Impossibility” Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have…

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Stranger Than Fiction

For those who have never traveled to the great West, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed on the ground at fence openings on highways to prevent cattle from crossing. For some reason the bovines will not step on the guards, probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails. I need to make that clear in order for everyone to appreciate the following TRUE story. President Clinton received a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards…

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Forget the Ark!

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: “In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an Ark.” And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. “OK,” said Noah, trembling in fear and…

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The Untold Quasimodo Story

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer’s job. The bishop…

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My Helicopter Is Lost

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly…

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Have you heard about….

…CCA Prison Realty Trust? They’re buying Corrections Corp. of America in a $3.17 billion deal that will create the world’s largest penitentiary business. The merged entity will market its product under the more user-friendly name, “Motel 6-to-Life.” …Patrizia Martinelli, ex-wife of fashion heir Maurizio Gucci? She was convicted of ordering her husband’s murder and was sentenced to 29 years in prison. Most agree this is a tremendous price for a Gucci knockoff. …McDonald’s? They have a new series of TV…

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Dr. Dolittle

At a medical convention, a male and female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go in and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go…

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Read JokeDr. Dolittle

Apollo Moon Mission

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo Moon Mission, took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the lunar surface. Alone, with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full lunar space suits. Nearby, a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo peple were noticed and…

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X-Ray Glasses

Vinnie goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, but isn’t fully convinced. The store assistant comes along and shows him how to use them, so he buys them. On his way home, Vinnie puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo, he sees everyone in the street naked! He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on…everyone is naked again! “Cool!”…

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Read JokeX-Ray Glasses