Hey al Jokes - page 119

Anti-women Pills

In a nursing home: “Remember, Abe, when we were at war (WWII), and they gave us these pills so that we wouldn’t want to chase women?” “Yeah, I remember . . . .” “It seems that they finally have started working.”

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35 Fun Things to Do While Driving

35 Fun Things to do When Driving 1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged. 2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang. 3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling. 4. Two words: Chicken suit. 5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better. 6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector…

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Thoughts on Men and Women

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change…

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Not-So-Happy Solution

Bubba Wilkes goes in to see Dr. Smith. “Dr. Smith…I’ve got a problem!” exclaimed Bubba. “Just what seems to be the matter, Bubba?” remarked Dr. Smith. “Well, I’ve been having hot flashes on and off for the last 3 weeks and it’s really getting to bother me. Can you check me out to find out what’s wrong?” “No problem, Bubba,” said Dr. Smith. “You know we have one of the best labs in the country next door. We’ll do the…

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Checkbook Cover

“Hey, You! Pull over!” shouted the traffic cop. Betty complied, and the next day the judge fine her fifty dollars. She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck, and she marked the check stub, “One pullover, $50.”

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Eight Times Married

Two women were attending the funeral of a friend who had been married eight times. One sighed and said, “They’re together at last.” “Which husband are you talking about?” the other asked. “None of her husbands. I mean her legs.”

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New Cow

TWO MORONS BUY A COW AND TAKE IT HOME. AFTER A FEW DAYS THEY REALIZE THAT THE COW ISN’T DRINKING. THEY DECIDE TO TAKE IT DOWN TO THE RIVER AND FORCE IT TO DRINK. AFTER SEVERAL UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPTS, ONE MORON SAYS TO THE OTHER,”I’LL HOLD HIS HEAD IN THE WATER AND YOU SUCK ON HIS ASS”. AFTER A FEW MINUTES THE MORON AT THE HEAD YELLS BACK TO HIS FRIEND, “IS IT WORKING?”. HIS FRIEND REPLIES, “YES,BUT RAISE HIS HEAD,…

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The Mule

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of their place. The farmer had tried to be nice to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly relationship. But, she kept nagging at them whenever she got the chance, making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing…

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Could Things Get Worse?

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper: A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and…

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