Hell Jokes - page 22

What are you?

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, “What kind of ‘ese’ are you?” The Japanese confused, replied, “Sorry, but I don’t understand what you mean.” The American repeated,”What kind of ‘ese’ are you?” Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, loudly repeated, “Jeez, how tough is this — what kind of ‘ESE’ are you? Are you ChinESE or…

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Tee shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed; driving his partner nuts. Finally, his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!” The other guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.” “Forget it, man,” his partner answered, “you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting…

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Chicagoans

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.” The man says, “No problem. I’m from Chicago.” So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just…

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SIX DOUBLE VODKAS

A guy walks into a bar one day and says to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.” “Wow!” says the barman, “You must have had one hell of a day.” “Yep. I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.” The next day, the same guy walks into the bar and asks for another six double vodkas. “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too,” he explains. On the third day, the guy walks into the…

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Bar Talk Interpretations

No, really, I’m O.K. to drive… – I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I’m going with I’m not used to these darts… – I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I’m this bombed. Let’s go out to my car and get some cigarettes…(male to female) – You would look great face down in my lap. Want to check out my new car stereo? (male to female) – I have…

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Another Dumb Polish Joke

During his last visit to the United States, Pope John Paul II was interviewed by Barbara Walters for one of her TV specials. In the interview, Ms. Walters asked the Pope if he had any pet peeves. The Pope nodded and said, “I have two.” “Can you tell us what they are?” asked Ms. Walters. “Certainly,” said the Pope. “The first would be those stupid Polish jokes. These jokes are really demeaning and insulting to us Poles. We are portrayed…

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The Mistress

Doctor Goldstein and his wife are having dinner at an upscale restaurant when an attractive young blonde walks by, smiles at the doctor, and says “Hi, Sammy.” “Who the hell is THAT?” asks Sammy’s wife. “That’s my mistress,” Dr. Goldstein replies. “You have a MISTRESS? How long has this been going on?” asks his wife. “About five years,” says the doctor. “Five years? I’ll see a lawyer tomorrow and start a divorce. I’ll ruin you.” “Wait just a minute, honey.…

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Men vs. Women Perspective

HER STORY: He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he’s STILL acting a bit funny and I’m trying to cheer him up and start to wonder…

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Forever punishment….

Bill Clinton went to sleep at his desk one afternoon and had a strange dream. In the dream, he died and went to hell. When he gets there, Satan greets him and tells him that he will be there for all eternity, but, because of the way he behaved on earth while living, he gets to choose the type of punishment he will receive. Satan escorts him around and they come to a room where Newt Gingrich is stretched out…

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