Har Jokes - page 26

The Duel

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it…

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Guyness Quiz

Guyness Quiz Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a.…

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Lifes Lesson

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room’s only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where…

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Y2K Backup System

While we believe we will be fully Y2K compliant by January 1, 2000, and most of our subsidiary units and contractors claim they will also be fully compliant, we obviously need to make some preparations in case unexpected challenges impair our ability to meet the needs of our customers. Enclosed with this memo is a “Y2K Backup System” device designed to meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations failure, or operational delay. This device is the…

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I need it bad!

I know I haven’t known you very long, and I shouldn’t be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven’t’ had it for a while going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. and I’d be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now, that I have a…

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A Desperate Plea For Help

A big, burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. “Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent,…

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Kiwi Joke

Two Kiwi’s are working on a building site in Auckland. Phul (Phil) & Muck (Mick). Anyway Phul turns to Muck & says, “Cawww I’ve gotta take a piss, but there’s nowhere to go, eh.” “Walk out to the ind of thit plank,” replies Muck. “I’ll stand on this ind & balance ut.” “Are you sure, Muck?” “Yis, no worries” “100%?” “YIS!” So out goes Phul to take a piss & the lunch siren sounds, Muck forgets what he’s supposed to…

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The Usual Suspects

It’s a murder mystery. Can you finger the perpetrator? A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other fellow workers. Based on past scrapes with the law, many of the following workers were considered prime suspects: * The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged. * The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time. * The glazier went to great panes to…

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Brass Rat

A man walks into a Chinese shop, looking at all of the curious, exotic things in there. He sees a brass rat sitting on a shelf, and asks the shop keeper how much it is. The shop keeper says, “Ten dollars for rat, one thousand dollars for story about rat”. The man replies, “Well, here’s ten bucks for the rat, keep your dumb story”. “You’ll be back!”, the shop keeper said with a knowing, evil laugh. The man left the…

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How You Spend Your ‘DASH’

I read of a man who stood to speak At the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her tombsone From the beginning…to the end. He noted that first came her date of birth And spoke the following date with tears, But he said what mattered most of all Was the dash between those years. (1900-1970) For that dash represents all the time That she spent alive on earth.. And now only those who loved her Know…

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