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God asks about Modern Gardening

“Winterize your lawn,” the big sign outside the garden store commanded. I’ve fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I’m supposed to winterize it? I hope it’s too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we’ve come up with, outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne’s lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through…

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Little Old Lady goes Shopping

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the checkout counter, where she told the checkout girl, “Nothing but the best for my little kitten.” The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you…

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Minnesota Guide to Computer Lingo

LOG ON: makin’ da vood stove hotter LOG OFF: don’t add no vood MONITOR : keep a eye on da vood stove MEGAHERTZ: vhen a big log drops on your barefoot in da morning FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from piling too much vood RAM: da hydraulic t’ing dat makes da voodsplitter vork DRIVE: gettin’ home during most of da vinter PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season ENTER: come on in WINDOWS: vhat ya shut…

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Good Buddy

Tony stops at his buddy Frank’s house on the way home from work. Frank’s wife Angela answers the door and says he’s not home yet but that Tony is welcome to come in and wait. She sits him down at the kitchen table so they can chat while she makes dinner. She notices Tony staring at her. “Why are you looking at me like that?” smiles Angela. “Angie, you got the greatest rack I ever saw,” says Tony. “I’ll give…

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A Good Deed

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office. “Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.” “Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. James replied. “I hung him…

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Trading Goods

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything. “Well, my wife ain’t home. She’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man. The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested. Then the…

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Already acting like a lawyer

Two plumbers, Bob and Phil, went bar-hopping every week together, and every week like clockwork, Bob would go home with a woman while Phil went home alone. One week Phil had had enough and asked Bob for his secret to picking up women. “That’s easy,” said Bob. “When you’re out on the dance floor and she leans in and asks you what you do for a living, don’t tell her you’re a plumber. Tell her you’re a lawyer.” Later Phil…

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Roadblock

Mr. John Smith was travelling home after the annual Christmas office party. He had more than the legal limit to drink and was pulled off at the road block for an alcohol test.. He was asked to get out his car. The police delayed quite a bit in attending to him (There were plenty of drunken drivers on the road that night), so he decided to go home. The next morning at 6.00am there is a knock on his door,…

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Surd Special

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife is hard of hearing. The doctor suggests that he bring her in for an examination, but the man says she won’t come in. Man asks the doctor if there is something he can do. The doctor tells him to go home, and say something to his wife from far away, then keep moving closer until she hears him. When he discovers how close he needs to be for his…

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Brown Eyes

A man was talking to his friend at the bar. The friend said, “Did you know that 9 out of 10 women with brown eyes cheat on their husbands?” “No, I didn’t know that,” the man replied. “So what color are YOUR wife’s eyes?” asked the friend. The man replied, “I’m too drunk to remember. Geez, I’d better go home and find out!” So the man hurries home to find his wife in bed and asleep. The man carefully lifts…

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