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Two Words I Do Not Understand

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, “Mom I’ve got a problem.” She says “Tell me.” He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn’t understand. She asks him what they are. He says, “Well, pussy and bitch”. She says, “Oh, that’s no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy”. He thanks her and goes to visit dad in…

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Girls with college boyfriends!

One day a girl went to the doctor’s office to get a physical. When she took off her shirt the doctor noticed an “A” imprinted on her stomach. So, he said to the girl, “Why in the world is there an “A” on your stomach?” The girl replied, “Well, my boyfriend came home from Arizona State College to visit me, and we got at it so hard his sweatshirt left it on my stomach. The doctor was amazed!! Then, the…

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Colours

Classroom scene: The teacher walks into her fifth grade class and says: “OK children, today we will not use the textbook.” All the children were happy, especially those who didn’t get their homework done. Teacher goes on to say, “Today we will be talking about colours, and we will use our imagination to talk about colours. Can anyone tell me a story about colours?” An Irish boy raises his hand and starts “My daddy is a policeman and he wears…

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Mary and the barn

Mary is in a barn playing with matches when all of the sudden the barn catches on fire and burns to the ground. Mary goes inside to tell her mother. Her mother says,” Just wait until your father gets home!” Mary just laughed and laughed, because she knew her father was in the barn.

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Quarterback Blitz

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touchdown and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitor’s favor, the home quarterback finally blew his top. “How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you…

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9 WAYS NOT TO START A POLICE REPORT

1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times… 2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent… 3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire… 4. Before I get into the details, I’ve got a few “shout-outs” for my homeys in the command staff… 5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The…

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french chef

Once there was a rich man that had a wife that hated to cook. She ask her old man if she could have a chef. He told wife ok and hired a french chef. Everything he cooked was awful. The man complained to his wife but she said to give him a little more time. Mad about everything being bad, he went home to fire the chef. When he got home he found the chef giving his wife oral sex.…

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Irish Quiz Answers

Some classic answers from Irish radio Just-a-minute quiz. Actual answers given to the bould Larry Gogan (Irish Radio Presenter). 1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword 2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon 3) Name the Capital of France? F 4) Name a bird with a long neck? Naomi Campbell 5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar 6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital…

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Over 50 Ways to get rid of Blind Dates

1.At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it. 2.Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table. 3.Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice. 4.Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. 5.Repeat every third third word you say say. 6.Give your claim to fame…

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Cut-Off Time

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength born of fury, she dragged him down the stairs to the garage and put his tally-whacker in a vise. She secured it tightly, then removed the handle from the vise. Next, she approached him with a hacksaw. The husband, terrified, screamed, “STOP! STOP! You’re not going to… to… cut it off, are you?!!” The wife, with a gleam of revenge in…

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