Gin Jokes - page 66

Wedding

Tech Support for Wives

Dear Tech Support: Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SundayFootball…

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Religious

A Good Scare

My friend, George, an ex-Marine Aviator, wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightening crashing all around us. We lost the radio and instrument capabilities. As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, “DANG!!” Fearing the worst, I asked, “What’s wrong now?” George replied, “I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me.”

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Office

A Hacker’s Version of ‘Let It Be”

Sing this to the tune of the Beatles’ “Let It Be” : When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: Write in C. As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: Write in C. Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, oh, Write in C. LOGO’s dead and buried, Write in C. I used to write a lot of…

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Religious

Five Short Ones About Kids

My grandson was telling me that he and his three playmates attended different churches. Then he added, “It really doesn’t matter if we go to different churches, does it, Grandma, as long as we’re all Republicans?” A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, “No, I’m the lonely child.” My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally…

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Office

Instructions For Microsoft’s New TV Dinner Product

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these…

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Yo Mama

Whole Lotta Yo Mama

SO BIG Yo mama’s so big, that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step. Yo mama’s so big, her belly button’s got an echo. Yo mama’s so big, she can’t wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landing on her back. Yo mama’s so big, she rollerskates on busses. Yo mama’s so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers. Yo mama’s so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker. Yo mama’s so big, she uses bowling…

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Christian, Religious

Child’s Interpretation

A seven-year-old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was very good and included Mary, Joseph and, of course, baby Jesus. However, there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable that just did not seem to fit in. When the child was asked about it, she replied, “Oh, that’s Round John Virgin.”

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Birthday, Man and Woman

Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew

1.If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. 2.Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put it down. 3.Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again! 4.Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it. 5.Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 6.Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just…

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Funny Stories

Funny E-mail Addresses

When creating email addresses, many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and middle initial to either the beginning or end. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may occur when there is a large and diverse pool of accounts. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. TOP TEN…

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Yo Mama

Hard as Nails

Grandpa hears some banging noises on the side of the house. He looks out the window and sees his grandson with a hammer, driving some weird-colored nails into the side of the house. “Junior,what are you doing with those nails?” Junior looks up at Grandpa, and replies.”These aren’t nails, Granpa, they’re worms!” Sure enough, on closer look they are! “Where did you get those from, boy? Worms are supposed to be soft and squishy, NOT hard and firm like that!”…

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