Flu Jokes - page 12

Jeffery was a maintenance man for a big-time broadway production company. He was the guy who went around sweeping the floors after hours. One day, though, Jeffery was approached by one of the big time directors, a man dressed all in black, with a megaphone hung limply in his left arm. “Jeffery,” he said, “I have some news for you. We’re putting on a gigantic production about the Civil War tomorrow. One of my men came down with the flu…

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While the U.S. stock market was at an all-time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he were worried. He replied that he slept like a baby. He was amazed and asked, “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?” He said, “Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours.”

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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? (Jared: what do you think?) Whatever happened to preparations A through G? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? I went…

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One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy, little nose. “Oh, please excuse me!” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and couldn’t see.” “That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. To be sure, the snake said, “It was MY fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind, too, and I didn’t see you coming. By…

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Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. “Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews. Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.” Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.” Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.” Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.” Problem #1: “#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.” Solution #1: “#2 Propeller seepage normal.” Problem #2: “#1, #3, and #4 propellers…

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This drunk staggers into a men’s room in a busy bar. After a while a loud shrill scream came echoing out of the men’s room. A brief hush came over the bar then it went back to its noisy atmosphere. A few minutes passed and a second loud scream came from the men’s room. Not only was there a hush but people started to leave the bar murmurming with fear. Seeing this, the bartender went to the door of the…

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A man goes to a pet store looking for a hunting dog. The owner tells him about a very special dog that he has out back. So they go out back and see a nice looking bird-dog. The man is impressed with the dog, but says, “What’s so special about this dog?” The owner answers, “This dog will not only flush out the birds, it will count how many and tell you first.” The man can’t believe it, so he…

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