Laugh for Fun - Funny, Blonde, Dirty, Women, Yo Mama Jokes
Laugh for Fun - Funny, Blonde, Dirty, Women, Yo Mama Jokes
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. “Whatever could have happened?” he thinks, “Who died?” “Darling, whatever is the matter?” he asks. “Sweetheart,” she sobs, “the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering it,” she sobbed again, “I found that the cat had…
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As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed up against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, “That will teach you to pinch me!!!” Bewildered, Mr. Wilson, in shock, was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, “I…I…didn’t pinch that girl.” “Of course, you didn’t,” said his wife, consolingly. “I did.”
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A man was driving across the Golden Gate Bridge when he was pulled over by an officer. The office comes up to the man’s window and says, “Excuse me, sir, but do you know how fast you were going?” The man replies, “Obviously over 55.” The officer was checking out the man and his car when he says, “What the hell is a bum looking guy like you doing driving a fancy, expensive car like this? What do you do…
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The State of Florida had a problem. The drug busts over the years had filled their storage areas with marijuana. It was decided that their only option was to burn all of the marijuana on hand. On that eventful day, a huge mound of marijuana was torched. The fire raged, and the smoke of the weed lifted in a large cloud. Just at this time, a flock of terns flew though this cloud. A group of forest rangers (aka their…
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(Please don’t take offense to any of these, have fun and the best one is at the end) WHAT DO YOU CALL A QUADRAPLEGIC … Swimming… Bob Holding on to someones neck… Ty Lying on your porch… Matt In a hole… Phil Lying on the bathroom floor with his mouth open… John Floating in your toilet… Apu Hanging from a tree branch… Leif Under a car… Jack On the end of a shovel… Doug Lying in your yard with a…
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I have found the following things about dogs: They are territorial: “If it smells like me, it’s mine!” “If it even looks like mine–it’s mine!” They are possessive: “If I put it in my mouth, it’s mine!” “If I tear it into a million tiny pieces, all million pieces are mine!” They have no concept of privacy: they will urinate right in front of you without embarrassment. They will urinate in the great outdoors without shame. They will eat anything.…
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There was this construction worker on the 7th floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself. He tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get one for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eye (meaning “I”) then pointed…
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“BIT” = A wager as in, “I bit you cain’t spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways.” “BYTE” = First word in a kiss-off phrase. “CURSOR” = What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend. “FLOPPY” = When ya’ll can’t get it up no more. “DIGITAL CONTROL” = What yore fingers do on the TV remote. “HARD DRIVE” = Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires while pulling a trailer…
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Exclamations: “Well, knock me down and steal muh teeth!” “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.” “Ahm fixin ta do that” Threats: “I’ll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style.” “This’ll jar your preserves.” “Don’t you be makin’ me open up uh can uh whup-ass on ya!” Good Things/Compliments: “Cute as a sack full of puppies” “If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoyit.” “Gooder’n grits” The Weather:…
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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat” “Look, he is hiding the…
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