First man Jokes - page 29

3 men 3 words

3 men are held hostage by the army. The army officer in charge says, “Have any of you got any last words?” The first guy says, “Earthquake!” so the whole army hid and the man jumped over the wall and ran away. Then the second man said, “Hurricane!” so the whole army again hid and the man jumped over the wall and ran away. Then it was the third mans turn, and he thought a while, then he said, “Fire!”…

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Mirror, mirror

One day a gentleman and his wife were shopping in an antiques store when she happened across an old, sadly-tarnished mirror. He was indifferent to the pending purchase, and as the woman haggled over price with the attendant, the history of the mirror was revealed. The attendant stated that this was a magic mirror and any wish which was cast upon it would come true. The only stipulation was that the wish must be asked in the form of a…

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Bed, Couch or Floor ?

A man entered very slowly into this hooker’s room. Looking at his slowness in walking and unbuttoning shirt, the hooker became impatient and said, “Come on hurry up, I have more business to do.” Now for you the rate is, $10 on the floor, $20 on the couch, and $30 on the bed. Pay the service charge first and get down to work.” The guy opened his wallet and put thirty dollar neatly on the bed. “I see, so you…

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What happens when you save Bush?

Three boys save President Bush’s life. President Bush says to them, “Boys, you can have anything your little hearts desire.” The first boy asks for a Game Boy and every game ever made for it. President Bush says, “You got, little man.” The second boy asks for a Playstation 2 and a pony. President Bush says, “You’ll have ’em by tommorow.” The third boy asks for a wheelchair with a built-in Playstation and freezer. President Bush asks the boy, “Why…

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Kids’ Real Answers About Marriage

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? “You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.” Alan, age 10 “No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.” Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE…

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Why Cucumbers are Better than Men

The average cucumber is at least six inches long Cucumbers stay hard for a week A Cucumber won’t tell you that size doesn’t count Cucumbers don’t get too excited A Cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety Cucumbers are easy to pick up You can fondle Cucumbers in the supermarket…and you know how firm it is before you take one home Cucumbers can get away any weekend With a Cucumber you can get a single room…and you won’t have to check…

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Preps for the test

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises you will be totally prepared for the test. And, best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your own home. EXERCISE #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of…

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15 minutes of fame…….

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms. He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage. Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there. When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark…

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Memory Loss

The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair. “You’ve got to help me, Doctor. I’m losing my memory,” he sobbed. “I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family. I was a respected member of the community. But all that’s gone now. Since my memory began failing, I’ve lost the business–I couldn’t remember my client’s names. My wife and children have left me, too. And why shouldn’t they–some…

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3 HOLES

A man walks in the bar and has had way too much to drink. He decides to go to the bathroom and when he walks in there is another man and there are three holes in the wall. Above the three holes there are three buttons. The other man in the bathroom says don’t ever stick your dick in any of the holes. The man thinks he is lyng so he does it anyway. He sticks his dick in the…

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