Few minutes Jokes - page 15

Dave is struggling through the Dallas airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a man stops him and says “Pardon me, do you have the time?” Dave sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to three”, he says. “Thanks, that’s a pretty fancy watch”, says the man. Dave smiles. “Yes, I invented it. Check this out.”, and he shows him a time zone display, not just for every time zone on…

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There’s quite an art to falling apart as the years go by, And life doesn’t begin at 40. That’s a big fat lie. My hair’s getting thinner, my body is not; The few teeth I have are beginning to rot. I smell of Vick’s-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel #5; My new pacemaker’s all that keeps me alive. When asked of my past, every detail I’ll know, But what was I doing 10 minutes ago? Well, you get the idea, what more can…

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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they…

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These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they “discuss” her “rating, “which, of course, is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, “I’d give her a 7… she’s really quite pretty.” Another agrees, and so does the third, but the bartender, bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lass, checks her…

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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car — both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light”. After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again and…

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There is a parrot that swore like a sailor. He could swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. The…

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A little boy woke up crying and ran to see his mother. “Mummy, Mummy. A voice came to me in my sleep. It said that my grandmother would die today.” The mother comforted him and told him not to worry, it was only a dream. But when he came home from school, he found his mum crying. She said that her mother had died a few hours ago. That night the voice returned. This time it said that the house…

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A jumbo jet took off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the pilot made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH NO!!!” Silence followed and after a few anxious minutes, the pilot came back on the…

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