F king Jokes - page 34

Circus Act

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you bothbetter be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment – a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to…

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No Offense, West Virginians

A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pickupon I-79. He says to the driver, “Got any ID?” The driver says, “‘Bout what?” ———————————— Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 West Virginia State Lottery? A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years. ———————————— Q: Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to southern West Virginia? A: He heard that everyone has the same DNA. ———————————— Q: Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Charleston, WV…

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Lessons I’ve Learned

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big dick or huge tits. I’ve…

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Welcome Home, Mom!

Lil’ Johnny’s mother had been away a week at a N.O.W. convention, and when she returned home, she was anxious to hear about his week. “Well, one night we had a thunderstorm, and I was scared, so Daddy and me slept together,” her son said. “Johnny!” said the boy’s French Au Pair, “Don’t you mean ‘Daddy and I’?” “No!” replied Johnny. “That was Thursday. I’m talking about Monday night.”

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War wounds

Two old men, with very bad limps, were walking down the street in opposite directions. The first old man, who was practically dragging his leg behind him, came up to the second old man and said proudly into his ear “Japan WW2 1943” -referring to how he received his injury- The second old man then whispered back in a soft voice, “Dog Shit – 5 minutes ago”

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14 year old Johnny

Little 14 year old Johnny was in his room masturbating. Suddenly, his Mother opened the door and caught him. Thinking fast, she told him that he shouldn’t be doing that, he should save it for when he gets married. Twelve years later, Johnny fell in love and got married. At his reception, he pulled his Mother aside and asked her if she remembered what she had told him when she caught him masturbating. She said yes, she did. Hearing this,…

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the lawyer joke, but funnier

A man was walking along the beach when he saw a half buried ornate bottle. He picked it up and after examining it closely, removed the decorative stopper. As expected, a cloud of smoke blew out and a Genie appeared. The Genie informed the man that he was now the Genie’s master and was granted three wishes, but with a rider attached. The Genie proceeded to announce that his previous master was Bill Clinton and his third wish was for…

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Read Jokethe lawyer joke, but funnier

You are from a small town, when…..

During a storm you check the cattle before you check the kids. You are related to more than half the town. You can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance. Your car breaks down outside of town and news of it gets back to town before you do. Without thinking, you wave to all oncoming traffic. You don’t buy all your vegetables at the grocery store. You don’t put too much effort into hairstyles due…

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Measurements

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So, they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures. Soon, they’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures…the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do. He casually pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it down on the ground, and measures it from end to end. Then he gives the…

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Read JokeMeasurements