F king Jokes - page 142

The Funeral Procession

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were about 200 women walking in a single file. The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity any longer. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog…

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Did you use my name?

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. “I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.” “Not to worry,” Jack said, “we’ll be happy…

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Take up HER hobby….

The late comedian Redd Foxx used to tell the story about the time he and his wife were having problems, due to his career. His bride felt that he wasn’t really interested in her activities outside the home, so he went to a psychologist for some advice. After hearing his story, the doctor said, “Show some interest in what SHE likes. Find out what she enjoys MOST, and enthusiastically pursue it as YOUR avocation, too!” Redd promised that he would.…

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American Cuisine

Two immigrants, new to America, are wandering around on their first day off the boat in New York City, seeing the sights. Pretty soon they realize it’s time for lunch and they’re hungry from walking around all morning. They see a street vendor selling hotdogs. The first immigrant says, “I can’t believe it! They eat dogs in America.” The second immigrant, although equally shocked, replies, “Well, we’re going to be Americans now, so we have to behave like Americans and…

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Kid’s Bible Stories

The following statements about the bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (ie bad spelling has been left in.) In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.…

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Late for Funeral

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside committal service at a small country cemetery in the Ozarks… There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left in town. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were…

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A TRUE Liberace story

In the 1960s, pianist LIBERACE would travel the USA, performing one-man concerts, to sell-out crowds. During one particular tour, after playing all his planned selections and taking curtain call after curtain call (to thunderous applause), he held up his hands to quiet the masses (as was his custom) and said to the audience, “Is there anything SPECIAL you would like me to perform?” A disgruntled taxpayer in the crowd shouted out, “How about our MAYOR’S AUTOPSY?”

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Bill Clinton’s Prayer

Bill Clinton was in the oval office, breathing a sigh of relief after being found not guilty in the Monica Lewinsky trial, when he found out he now may be found guilty in Contempt of Court in the Paula Jones case. “Oh, God!” Bill cried, “Please have mercy on me!” Immediately there was a bright light in the room and a voice boomed from the light. “Bill, this is God,” the voice said, “and I will grant you any three…

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Train Service

A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slow. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. “What’s going on?” she yells out the window. “Cow on the track!” replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?”

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