Ew Jokes - page 71

Proverbs for the Year 2000

1. Home is where you hang your @. 2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can’t teach an old mouse new clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 9. Pentium wise, pen…

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Getting Lost

So it seems that this reporter goes to Armenia to write articles about the people and their land. He meets an old man in a secluded village, and over a cup of the local brew asks him about the memorable events of his life. After a bit of thought, the old man says, “Well, there was this time my donkey got lost, so me and my neighbors got some vodka and went looking for it. We looked and looked, all…

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True Golf Story

This really happened one day at our local Country Club… Harold, an elderly golfer who walked the course every day, walked off of the 18th green after experiencing a dismal round. A few Club Members were standing out behind the clubhouse and watched Harold walk past and down to the pond behind the clubhouse. Harold then took his bag of clubs and threw them as far as he could into the pond. He then turned around and made his way…

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free oranges

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and made them line up. The girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Not willing to let her know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that some people were passing out free oranges and she was linning up for some. Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman…

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Saint Peter and the Golfer

A guy by the name of George died and found himself waiting to be let into Heaven. As George stepped up the gates Saint Peter asked him his name. George answered and Saint Peter ran his finger down the list. “I’m sorry, you’re not on the list. I’m afraid I can’t let you in.” “There must be some mistake. I’ve lived a very decent life on Earth. The only thing that I’ve done wrong was cuss the other day on…

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Horoscope Horror

Your Horoscope AQUARIUS: Jan. 20 ? Feb. 18 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same stupid mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk. PISCES: Feb. 19 ? Mar. 20 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on your friends and people you resent you for flaunting…

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Bed and Breakfast

This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom, “Sir, It is now 6 o’ clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards.” The groom looks at him and says, “Thank you, but we won’t be needing any” and off he and his bride go to the room. The…

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How Cold Was It ?

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo. They went to the first Eskimo’s igloo, where he said, “Watch this!” and threw a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze…

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PEPSI challenge

An airplane shipment full of Pepsi had a malfunction flying over the continent of Africa and went down. It took a few weeks for the Pepsi Company to send a three man rescue team. While searching the area they found a tribe of cannibals. Asking the Chief of the tribe if he knew anything about the crash, the Chief replied “We ate the crew and we drank the Pepsi.” The rescue team was shocked! A team member asked “Did you…

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Shattered Hopes

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the smirking male clerk. “That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly, leaning forward to receive his “payment.” The girl snapped up the…

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