Ew Jokes - page 61

Needs Sleep

Exhausted from driving, the traveling salesman stopped in this one town and pulled over to get an hour or two of sleep. But, as luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be one of the streets that the majority of the town’s people used to take their daily run. The salesman had barely pulled over and gotten comfortable when a jogger was knocking on his window, asking, “Excuse me, but do you have the time?” The…

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Joe & John

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John’s wife died the same day that Joe’s boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, “I am sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.” Joe, thinking that she was talking about the boat, said, “Heck no, in fact, I’m sort of glad to…

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For Sale

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse, with a hand-lettered “For Sale” sign out front. After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a “new light fixture here and a little paint there” would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the…

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Cheap Train Ride

A group of four engineers and a group of four accountants were all waiting in line to buy tickets for the train going to New York, each group going to a different convention. Each of the accountants went to the window and bought a ticket. They noticed that only one of the engineers bought a ticket. They wondered how they were all going to ride on only one ticket. Everyone boarded the train, and all four engineers crowded into the…

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Smelly socks

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. “Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. “His father replied, “Don’t you love this girl?” “Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that…

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Turn the page

A college professor goes to bed with his wife. Figuring that he’s not that tired, he’s decides stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So while he’s reading, every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot… “Kitza kitza…” She says, “Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?” “I’m not teasing you. I’m wetting my fingers so I can turn the page.”

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Candy Store

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how’d you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?” Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn’t help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to…

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Shoot for the Moon

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “One Small step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind” statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark: “Good luck, Mr.Gorsky.” Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was…

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Parrot on Titanic

Mrs. VanAstor was seated beside her luggage in the First Class Passenger waiting room beside the pier at South Hampton, preparing to board the HMS Titanic when a British sailor approached her with a parrot. “Excuse me, Mum,” said the limey, “but Butch, that’s me parrot here, we wuz lookin forward to visitin the Colonies but I wuz just told they had enuff staff and I’m not needed, and Butch is terrible disappointed. Would you mind takin him with you?…

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Dog Training

Big Dog is showing Little Dog around the block. Sniff, sniff. “Smell that?” asks Big Dog. Sniff, sniff. “Sure do,” says Little Dog. “What is it?” “Fifi’s in heat. Come on, I’ll show you what to do.” So Big Dog shows Little Dog how to hump Fifi. Sniff, sniff. “Smell that?” asks Big Dog. Sniff, sniff. Sure do. What’s that?” asks Little Dog. “Garbage. Come on, I’ll show you what to do.” So Big Dog shows Little Dog how to…

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