Ew Jokes - page 192

This drunk staggers into a men’s room in a busy bar. After a while a loud shrill scream came echoing out of the men’s room. A brief hush came over the bar then it went back to its noisy atmosphere. A few minutes passed and a second loud scream came from the men’s room. Not only was there a hush but people started to leave the bar murmurming with fear. Seeing this, the bartender went to the door of the…

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The Bureau For At-Risk Youth of Plainview, N.Y., has recalled an “anti-drug” pencil it was giving to local school children. The pencils have the slogan “Too Cool to Do Drugs” on them, but as the pencils are sharpened down, the message becomes “Cool to Do Drugs” and, later, “Do Drugs”. When shown the unintended message, a spokesperson for the Bureau noted the group was “actually a little embarrassed that we didn’t notice that sooner.” The pencils will be redone with…

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Oh my my, I played the Pennsylvania lottery on Wednesday and knew what the winning numbers were going to be but got confused and punched in the wrong ones. Now the lottery commission is telling me it’s too late. Oh my, what am I going to do! Jessie Jackson where are you when I need you most? Maybe I’ll get a good lawyer. The jackpot was 30 million dollars and it should have been mine. It’s just not fair…

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ATTRACTION The act of associating horniness with a particular person. DATING The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. EASY A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man. EYE CONTACT A method utilized by a woman to communicate to a man that she is interested…

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In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello?” I politely said, “This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?” Suddenly the phone was slammed down on…

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Darryll and Darren were identical twin boys who lived in a fishing village off the coast of Maine. Darryll Farrell was married and Darren Farrell was single. Together they both owned a small, dilapidated boat. It happened that the same day Darryll’s wife died, Darren’s boat sank. Such is the karma of twins. A kind old lady met Darren on the street and mistaking him for his brother Darryll, said: “Oh, Mr. Farrell, I’m sorry to hear of your great…

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As you know, there is a possibility of another outbreak of swine flu during the upcoming months of flu season. In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the following symptoms associated with this disease: 1) Sore throat 2) Slight headache 3) Moderate to high temperature 4) Nausea or upset stomach 5) An uncontrollable urge to screw in…

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