Ew Jokes - page 161

Strange Sensation

A blonde woman goes to see her Podiatrist. She says, “Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas, and the weather was so great that I spent most of the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest thing happened. Whenever a good-looking guy came by, I would get this strange tingling sensation between my toes.” The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had this sensation…

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Powerful Liquid

A boy was sitting on his front steps one day, holding a bottle of turpentine. His father had told him to stay away from it, that it was Powerful liquid. He couldn’t resist and had experimented with it all afternoon. The boy was deep in thought, when on the sidewalk, a Priest happened to be walking by. “What do you have there, son?” the priest asked. The boy replied, “I got the most powerful liquid in the world in this…

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Biggest Stud on the Plane

There were these three guys on a plane going from Florida to New York. The first, wearing a suit and tie, and reading the NEW YORK TIMES, commented, “Last night I made love to my wife three times. This morning she made me fresh ground coffee, brought the paper to me in bed, and she said I was the best lover in the world.” “That ain’t nothing!” said the guy reading USA TODAY, dressed in chinos and a casual shirt.…

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Clinton Takes Flight

Bill Clinton, soon to be a “private” citizen again, wanting to get the feel of regular life again decided to take a comercial airline flight. After the pilot made his obligatory welcome and flight information announcement, he put the microphone down but didn’t realize he had left it locked in the “send” mode. He said to his co-pilot, “Boy, this has been one hell of a week. You know, I could really use a blow job and a cup of…

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Old Hockey Injury

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. His co-worker, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened. Andy replied, “Oh, nothing. Just an old hockey injury that acts up once in awhile.” Josh said, “Gee, I never knew you played hockey.” Andy replied, “No, I don’t. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-offs. I put my foot through the television….”

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Waving rabbit

One day Roy was driving along when suddenly he spotted a rabbit in the middle of the road. He tried to swerve, but still ended up hitting it. Visibly shaken, Roy got out of the car and started weeping over what he had done. A few minutes later, a woman stops and asks him why he’s crying over the rabbit. “Because I killed it,” he replies. The woman took a closer look and says, “It’s still breathing. I can fix…

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Technical Support

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft?s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter?s position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter?s window. The pilot?s sign said ?WHERE AM I?? in large letters. People in the tall building quickly…

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Fable

There once was a poor lad named Timmy who had the misfortune of being born with only a head — no arms, no legs, nothing but a head. Now Timmy was a basically happy person and he was loved and cared for by his family. As long as he stayed within the shelter of his family he was unworried by his condition, but as soon as he was thrust out into the world he knew that something was seriously wrong.…

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Bridge the Communication Gap

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, “Yessir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked! They played a game called ‘Bridge,’ and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in refreshments, I heard a man say, ‘Lay down and let’s see what you got.’ Another man said, ‘I got strength and no length.’ And…

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