Ew Jokes - page 118

Finally Getting Married

There were two Jewish woman (Ruth and Golda) walking along the street. Ruth says to Golda, “My son, Irving, is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but he thinks she may have a disease called herpes.” Golda says to Ruth, “Do you have any idea what this herpes is and can he catch it?” Ruth answers, “No, but I am so thrilled to hear about Irving’s engagement. It’s past time he’s settled. As…

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Three Sisters and a Honeymoon

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on…

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What Belongs to a Dog

1. If I like it, it’s mine. 2. If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine. 5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I’m chewing somethin up, all the pieces are mine, too. 7. If it just looks like mine, then it is mine! 8. If I saw it first, it’s…

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Cowboy Goes to Church

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. “When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began. “You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. “I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued. “The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him. “Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on. “That would be the…

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Primate Experiment

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After awhile, another ape makes an attempt with the same result; all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape…

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The candidate

One day a conservative Presidential candidate decided that he needed more exposure in front of the farming community of the country. So, he set out on his journey across America to visit different agricultural communities. As he was traveling down a dirt road in a small town his eyes fell upon a farmer working out in his field. He decided that this was as good a place as any to start his campaigning, and so he parked his car and…

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parrots

A magician working on a small cruise ship has been doing the same routines every night for a year or two now. The audiences still appreciate him, as they change over often enough that he doesn’t have to worry about learning new tricks. However, the ship’s parrot sits in the back row of every show and watches him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the…

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Eating Healthy Pays.. Or Does It?

A few days ago, I got up, brushed my teeth and got dressed. As I zipped and buttoned up my jeans, I found that they were actually loose. I was so thrilled that my new healthy eating habits were finally starting to pay off! All morning I strutted around feeling so proud, as I kept pulling up my jeans. I thought I might have to start buying a smaller size. Well, my euphoria came to a screeching halt when I…

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Chili Contest

Just recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my community to be a judge at a chili cookoff because no one else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy,…

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Air Force One Joke

Bill Clinton and Jesse Jackson are sitting side by side as they are waiting for Air Force One to take off. The stewardess comes over and asks solicitously, “Can I get you a drink, Mr. President?” Bill Clinton says cheerfully, “Why sure honey! I’ll have a martini, please. Shaken not stirred. Ha ha ha!” The stewardess smiles back and turns to the Reverend Jackson, “And you, sir? Care for the same?” “I’d rather be given a blowjob by a two-bit…

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