Ell Jokes - page 74

That’s What Mom Says

A senior girl in Arkansas was upset because she didn’t have a date to her Senior Prom, so she asked her brother to take her. He said, “No no no, you’re my sister.” “Please please please?” she said. “Well OK,” he said. So he took her to the Prom. When they got there, she said, “Will you dance with me?” “No no no, you’re my sister,” he said. “Please please please?” “Well OK,” so he dances with her. After the…

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Black Sponge

A little boy accidentally walks into the bathroom and sees his mother naked. The little boy in awe says, “Mommy, what is that?!” His mother replied with, “Ahh, it’s my black sponge…now, go outside and play.” The next day, the little boy once again walked into the bathroom and saw his mother naked. The little boy asked, “Mommy, what happened to your black sponge?” The mother replied, “I lost it…now, go outside and play.” The next day, the little boy…

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Tough Cat, Even Tougher Dog!

One night out on the back yard fence, 3 tom cats happen to meet, and start bragging about which one is the toughest. The first cat says, “Hey boys, I’ve caught up to 100 mice in a single night… I’m the best mouser around!” The second cat says,” That’s nothing, I can eat 10 boxes of catnip and it doesn’t even give me a buzz!!” The third cat just turns around and starts walking back down the fence..The other 2…

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The Magic Snake

A cowboy was riding his horse accross his pasture. A snake spooked his horse and bucked the cowboy off. The cowboy cursed at the snake and yelled “Don’t bite me!” The snake said “NO, I’m a genie snake, I can give you three wishes. What would you like me to grant you?” The cowboy thought for a minute. Then said “A million dollars in the bank.” The snake said, “Granted, next.” Again the cowboy thought. Then said “The most beautiful…

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Golfer’s Distraction

Two friends had arranged a round of golf and were now on the first tee, preparing to start their game at 7 a.m. Just as the first golfer was half way up his back swing, a good-looking young lady ran across the course about 10 yards in front of him, peeling off her clothes as she went, until she was totally naked. As she disappeared into the woods, he turned, dazed, to his companion, “What was THAT about?!!!” “Take no…

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Is that Really You?

Jake and Saul are two old widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on one another. One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the “Obits” page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier was in preparation for this event. He correctly…

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Thar She Blows!

Suzie had a crush on Mikey since she was 15 years old. Mikey never paid Suzie any attention. Every year Suzie would try to get Mikey to notice her but he just wasn’t interested. Finally, when Suzie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, Mikey noticed. Suzie looked so pretty and grown-up that Mikey asked her for a date on a Friday night!! She was so excited all that week that she could hardly wait for…

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NASA

A short excerpt from the first solo Canadian space flight. The lone Canadian is guided by NASA and the ship contains himself and two pigs. Naturally the NASA ground technicians are upset over the lack of an American. During the flight the following conversation was recorded between ground control and the crew: NASA: Hello, this is Ground Control for Pig 1. Pig 1, are you reading me? CP1: This is pig 1 for Ground Control. Reading you loud and clear.…

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Magic Water

One day some kids were walking down the street, and they came upon what looked like a puddle of water. They wanted to know what it was for sure, so they got a handkerchief and drug it through the water, and in front of their eyes the handkerchief disappeared. So, they did it again, and again, and everytime it disappeared. So they said we have got some magic water here. We have got to go get the priest. So, the…

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Big Nut

A man walks into his doctor’s office complaining about a swollen testicle. “My testicle has swelled up to 5 times its normal size, Doc! Can you help me?” “Well let’s take a look,” says the doctor. “I’m kind of embarrassed,” said the man. “You have to promise me you won’t laugh.” “Sir, I’m a doctor. I see this sort of thing all the time. Of course I won’t laugh.” So the man unzipped his pants and a huge testicle plopped…

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