Ell Jokes - page 60

Latex Gloves

As the dentist was putting on his rubber gloves, he asked the elderly lady, “Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?” She said, “No.” “Well,” he spoofed, “down in Puerto Rico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the natives walk up to the tank, and dip their hands in — and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up — then they peel off the gloves and…

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Good advice for those that are married/engaged/whipped…

*************************************** IT IS SATURDAY, a crisp Winter’s afternoon, and you’re exactly where you should be: stretched out on the sofa in front of a televised sporting event, opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your wife enters the room and says, “What exactly do you think you’re doing?” Is this a trick question? Yes, it is. The…

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The Contractor

A contractor was working on a house and a little boy was watching him when he dropped his hammer. He asked the boy to hand it back to him and the boy said, “My dad has two hammers and when he drops one he uses the other.” Well, he never said anything to the boy and went back to work. A few minutes later he dropped his screwdriver and asked the boy to hand it back to him and the…

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Vacation

A man walked in to Joe’s Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks “What’s up?” The man proceeds to explain he’s taking a vacation to Rome. “ROME?!” Joe says, “Why would you want to go there? It’s a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You’d be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?” “We’re taking TWA,” the man replies. “TWA?!” yells Joe. “They’re a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight…

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50th Wedding Anniversary

There was this old couple getting ready to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man went out shopping to find a really nice present for his wife. When he returned home, he found his wife standing on her head naked. For the life of him, he could not figure out what in the hell she was doing , so he asked,”Honey…what in God’s name are you doing naked ,standing on your head??” “Well dear,” she replied, “it is our…

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Signs That You are Too Drunk

Signs That You are Too Drunk You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Job interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream. Career won’t progress beyong Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case- coincidence?…

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sex change

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they asked her, “How is it that you know so much about baseball?” She says, “Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.” The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. “What was the most painful…

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Real Messages to Tech Support

The following are real messages to the in-house Tech Support E-mail system. From Yesterday: Hi, I seem t;o be having a p9ro;bl/em with my keyb;oard. co;ul/d yo;u co;me up9 and hel/-p9 me o;ut? Thanks, From Today: Soe of the keys that didnt work yesterday are working today ut soe still arent working at all I would tell you which ones they are ut I think you can see for yourself I sorry to e such a pest ut I have…

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Vacation in Vegas

Three buddies from the plant take their wives to Las Vegas for a week’s vacation. The guys take in all the strip shows while the wives play in the casinos, and they all have a wonderful time. When they get home, the guys meet in the plant cafeteria for coffee on Monday morning. Jack says “I been up all night. Brenda kept yelling ‘7 come 11’ in her sleep.” “Same here” says Bob. “Nancy was dreaming about blackjack and kept…

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Guess What I Learned Today, Mommy!

One afternoon, a little girl excitedly approached her mother and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, “Really, Sweetie? Why don’t you tell me all about it?” The little girl explained, “Well…OK…the Mommy and the Daddy take off all their clothes, and the Daddy’s thing sort of stands up, and the Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sorts of explodes, and that’s where babies come from.” Her…

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