Ell Jokes - page 50

Health Warnings

Due to increasing products liability, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcoholic drink containers: Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.…

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Bitter Quarrel

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife–Cold as Ever!’” “Yeah? Well, when you die, I’m getting YOU a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband–Stiff at Last!’”

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3 Newfies

One fine summer day three newfies decided to move to Alberta and find work. The first place they stopped at was Alberta Power and applied for labourer positions. The foreman for Alberta Power asked them if they had ever planted power line poles before to which they replied, “No bye, but we’s be fast learners and quick too.” So the foreman said, “Alright, show up tomorrow morning and I’ll give you a try.” The next morning the three newfies showed…

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You Can Call Me Al

The manager of a large office noticed a new employee one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. “Al,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my…

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The Gas Station

A doctor pulls his Mercedes into his local Shell station, fills up and goes inside to sign his charge ticket. As he’s signing, the attendant looks down and says, “Hey doc, you can’t sign the bill with that, it looks like a rectal thermometer!” The doc looks in his hand and says, “Oh shit, some asshole must have my pen.”

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Seaman and the Pirate

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ’em bit me leg off”. “Blimey!” said…

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Lifesavers

A teacher was working with her pupils, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. One day she brought in rolls of lifesavers of all flavors. “Children,” she announced, passing out the lifesavers, “I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these and then tell me what they are.” The kids managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher gave them the honey-flavored lifesavers, every one of the kids was stumped. “I’ll give…

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All that is….

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says,…

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Proverbs from the Mouths of Babes

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is is how they answered: It’s always darkest before……… daylight savings times. You can lead a horse to water but …..how? Don’t bite the hand that…..looks dirty. A penny saved is…….not much. Children should be seen and not….. spanked or grounded. There is no fool like…….Aunt Edie. Laugh and…

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Clueless Tourist

A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, “Look at all those big rocks! Wherever did they come from?” “The glaciers brought them down,” said the guide. “But where are the glaciers now?” asked the lady. “The glaciers,” said the guide in a weary voice, “have gone back for more rocks.” “Oh,” said the lady.

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