Ell Jokes - page 154

Weather Bureau

A husband and wife were sound asleep at 2AM when the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and sleepily said, “Hello…….How the hell should I know…..what am I, the Weather Bureau???” He slammed the phone down and tried to get comfortable again. “Who was that?” asked his wife. “I don’t know…some jerk wanted to know if the coast was clear.”

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Language Barrier

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You”re in charge of sweeping.” To the Irishman, he says, “You”re in charge of shoveling.” And to the Chinese guy, “You”re in charge of supplies.” He then says, “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you gusy to make a dent in that there pile.” So the…

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Puzzled Priest

An elderly parish priest became unhappy with the things he was hearing during Saturday confessions. After his sermon one Sunday morning, he said to his congregation, “I’m tired of hearing so many people tell me in confession that they have cheated. For thirty years, people have been saying to me ‘I have cheated with Anthony… I have cheated with Mary… I have cheated with Frankie.’ I am sick and tired of hearing this word. From now on, when you come…

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Three Cowboys. . .

Three cowboys sat around a western campfire, each with that macho bravado we’ve come to expect from the American West and the American Cowboy. The first cowboy pipes up, “You know, a bull got loose in the corral today . . . gored six men to death before I wrestled him to the ground and slit his throat with my fingernail.” The second cowboy, not wanting to be bested, said. “Oh yeah, well just last week a rattler, six feet…

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The Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson

“Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs.” “Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.” “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene!’” “Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.” “If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now…

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Titanic Video vs. Clinton Video

When watching the Clinton video, did you get the feeling of “deja vu”…..of watching something that you had just seen in a similar structure??? Well your brain never fails…….By reading below, you will see the remarkable similarities between the Clinton Video and the Titanic Video. Was this just by coincidence or much more? I will let you be the judge………. TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3…

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Who Wants To Be Millionaire? Christmas Special

This ghetto lady goes on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and she is going for the $1000 dollar question. Regis: Name two of Santa’s reindeer? A) Dancer & Prancer B) Vixon & Nixon C) Comit & Star D) Olive & Rudolph Ghetto Lady: (D) Olive & Rudolph ***** Audience Chuckles ***** ***** Regis Chuckles ***** Regis: Is that your final answer? Ghetto Lady: Yes Regis: You Sure? Ghetto Lady: Yes Regis: I’m sorry but you are wrong! Do you…

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Are You a Believer?

Boss: “Do you believe in life after death???” New Employee: “Yes, Sir.” Boss: “Well, then, that explains it. After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see your new office.”

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20 Signs You’re Stressed

1. You can achieve a “Runner’s High” by sitting up. 2. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before… 3. You can see individual air molecules vibrating. 4. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso. 5. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee. 6. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly. 7.…

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