Ell Jokes - page 135

Chemistry

A young college girl is studying in the library for a final exam when she is approached by a very tall and attractive young man. He sits down next to her and interrupts her study every five minutes or so to ask her questions. After about an hour of studying, and being interrupted, the young girl realizes that the young man is an idiot, and decides to go back to her room to study. As she stands up to leave,…

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Constipated Elephant

This doesn’t quite qualify as a Darwin Award, but it comes pretty close… PADERBORN, GERMANY – Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly — and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like…

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Ron and Elaine

Ron and Elaine had been married ten years, had no children, and were beginning to drift apart. Elaine told her mother one day that she thought her marriage was in trouble. “For God’s sake, Elaine”, said her mother, “you and Ron have to see a marriage counselor. Ron’s a wonderful guy, and you’ll never find anyone who’d be as good to you as he is.” So Elaine phoned her cousin Harriet, who’d been through marriage troubles herself, to get the…

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Little Johnny wants a bike

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.” Christmas came around, and Johnny asked: “Dad, can I get the bike now?” The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.” A week…

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I wanna be held

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” The husband asks, “WHAT??” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen that night, and he might as well deal with it. The next day the husband takes…

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Lost my Wife

A middle-aged man is out on a date with a lovely young lady. At the restaurant where they sat having dinner, the young lady asked him. “Have you ever been married? The man says, “Well, yes I was. But, I lost my wife a long time ago.” “How did she die?” asked the young lady. The man replied, “She was eaten by a huge 200 lb pitbull. It’s her own fault, though. She should’ve known how dangerous it was. Why,…

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3 Eskimo Initiation Rites

An Eskimo newcomer just settled down on the outskirts of an Eskimo village. Since he was a stranger, he was not able to make friends that easily with his new neighbors. One day, a neighbor dropped by the newcomer’s igloo and said to the stranger, “I want to welcome you to the village but before you could be accepted as a member of this village, you will have to undergo three traditional initiation rites.” The Eskimo newcomer asked, “What are…

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Honey-DO List

Jane entered the kitchen one morning, reached to turn on the light, and it didn’t work. After replacing the bulb, still no light. When John, her husband, came home, she said “Honey, the light switch is broken. Could you fix it for me please? To which John replied while displaying proudly the front of his TShirt, “Do you see ‘Electrician’ written on the front of this shirt?” Jane said nothing. Next day John came home and Jane said, “Honey, the…

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Jonny goes to the Game

Little Jonny goes up to his Dad and says, “Dad, can I have $5 to go to the football game”? His dad screams, “FIVE BUCKS! When I was a boy, I use to go down to the game and drill a hole in the fence and watch through the hole!” So little Jonny goes down to the game and drills a hole in the fence, and just at that moment a guy sticks his dick through the hole for a…

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IQ test

Bibi Netanyahu goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton. After dinner, Bill says to Bibi ” Well Bibi, I don’t know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all quite bright.” “How do you know?” asks Bibi. “Oh well, it’s simple”, says Bill. “They all have to take special tests before they can join the cabinet. Wait a second”. He calls Madeleine Albright over and says to her “Tell me Madeleine, who is…

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