Eart Jokes - page 19

Office, Politics

Definitions for the nineties

Keep This near your desk at work so you can translate what is REALLY being said to you. 1) Politically Correct- saying something, without actually saying it so that anyone that hears you isn’t sure what was said nor can they repeat to anyone else to incriminate you. 2) Abrasive- the opposite of being p.c. (politically correct). 3) Heads up- I heard the rumor before you. 4) Challenged – Fucked. (example, “I want to Challenge you….) 5) Mentally Challenged- mentally…

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Courage

An American General, a Russian General and a British General are standing on the deck of a ship watching war exercises. The topic of discussion turns to human courage, and the Russian General boasts, “Russians are the most courageous people on Earth!”. Upon which the American (naturally) challenges him: “Oh yeah?”. The Russian says, “Sure! Here, Yuri! Jump off the deck and swim around the ship!” Yuri marches off into the freezing Atlantic without a word and does as he…

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Sayings that should be on BUTTONS

01. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 02. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 03. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? 04. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth. 05. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after. 06. Do I look like a fricking people person? 07. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting. 08. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 09.…

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Find the Spot

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes, the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?” After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

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How Much is a Billion?

What’s the difference between a millionaire and a billionaire? A million seconds is 13 days. A billion seconds is 31 years. A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. A billion hours ago, man had not yet walked on earth. A billion dollars ago was yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.

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Wedding

Love, Lust, Or Marriage

How do you know if you’re in love, lust, or marriage? LOVE — when your eyes meet across a crowded room LUST — when your tongues meet across a crowded room MARRIAGE — when your belt won’t meet around your waist, and you don’t care LOVE — when you argue over how many children to have LUST — when you argue over who gets the wet spot MARRIAGE — when you argue over money LOVE — when you share everything…

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Computer

Tired of Harrassment

Eager to make her mark in the world of business, an attractive, young MBA took a job as executive assistant to the middle-aged owner of a fast-growing computer software company. She found the work challenging and the travel interesting, but she was extremely annoyed by her boss’ tendency to treat her in public as though she were his girlfriend, rather than a professional associate. This was especially irritating in restaurants, where he would insist on ordering for her and on…

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Medical

Lawyers as Patients

Four doctors who hadn?t seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar. Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they turned their conversation to who makes the best surgical patients: The first said, for sure, electrical engineers. ?You open ?em up,? he contended, ?and everything is color-coded.? ?Nah,? said the second. ?It?s librarians. You open ?em up and everything is alphabetized.? The third scoffed. ?Of course not,? he said. ?It?s accountants. You open ?em up and everything is…

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Religious

Absolute Accuracy

Mr. Smith, in the course of an out of town trip, had met a most accommodating young lady and had spent a satisfactory night with her in the motel at which he was registered. At least, it was most satisfactory until about 3 A.M., when the young lady began to weep in heartbroken fashion. Mr. Smith, worried lest the noise of weeping attract unwanted attention, and untterly uncertain as to what might follow, said nervously, “What’s wrong, miss?” The young…

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Interesting Facts (again)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps outward to squirt blood 30 feet. A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (Lucky Pig!) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!) Humans, whales and dolphins are the only species that have sex for…

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