De heck Jokes - page 19

A New Stamp

When Bill Clinton completed five years of his Presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. He so instructed Hillary, stressing that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released, and Clinton was pleased. But, within a few days of release, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called Hillary and ordered her to investigate the matter. Hillary checked at several post offices…

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Weight Problem

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. “I’m so ashamed, Doctor,” she said. “I guess I’ve let myself go.” The physician was checking her eyes and ears. “Don’t feel ashamed, Miss. You don’t look that bad.” “Do you really think so, Doctor?” she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, “Of course. Not…

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Car/Sex Song

(to the tune of car innuendo guy) Oh, baby baby baby I wanna check your emissions, Buh buh baby baby baby I wanna grind your transmission. Buh buh baby baby baby, my fuzzy dice are feeling ripe ‘Cause I wanna shove my manly crankshaft up your rusty tailpipe I’m your car innuendo guy, your car innuendo guy Oh, baby baby baby Pump my piston ’til it’s sore Buh buh baby baby baby I wanna slam your back door Buh buh…

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Hippopotamus, NY

A woman called to make reservations. “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York,” she said. The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country, and I can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retored, “Oh, don’t…

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family planning

A man went to the store and bought a few eggs for his breakfast but when he got home, he found all the shells empty. He went to the shopkeeper to ask for an explanation. The shopkeeper checked all the eggs in the shop and surprisingly they were all empty too. Perplexed, both of them went to the poultry farm to check where this problem was actually taking place. They found a hen that had just laid an egg, but…

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Blind Guy

A blind guy walks into the bar, picks up his seeing eye dog, and spins it around in the air. The bartender looks at the guy and says “Man, what in the heck are you doing?” the blind guy replies, “oh, just looking around.”

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If an OS Ran an Airline

IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN THE AIRLINES – by J. Hovind UNIX Airways Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about WHAT kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they…

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Bar Talk Interpretations

No, really, I’m O.K. to drive… – I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I’m going with I’m not used to these darts… – I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I’m this bombed. Let’s go out to my car and get some cigarettes…(male to female) – You would look great face down in my lap. Want to check out my new car stereo? (male to female) – I have…

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An Italian Guy’s Story

This is a story of an Italian guy when he visits Toronto. You have to speak in an Italian accent to make this jokes more effective! One daya I go to Toronto and stay in bigga hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast, I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bringa me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet, I say you no understand, I wanna two piss…

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Dad’s Practical Jokes

Parents are embarrassing, Take my dad. Every time a friend comes to stay the night, he does something that makes my face go red. Now don’t get me wrong. He is a terrific dad. I love him but sometimes I think he will never grow up. He loves playing practical jokes. This behavior first started one night when Anna came to sleep over. Unknown to me, dad sneaks into my room and puts Doona, our cat, on the spare bed.…

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