Business end Jokes - page 7

FRAUD ALERT!

WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS! If you get an envelope from a company called “Internal Revenue Service,” DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various other corporations which depend on subsidies to…

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The Last Laugh

A successful businessman flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket; if he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver…

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Startling Statistics

The following company has a little over 500 employees with these statistics: *29 have been accused of spousal abuse *7 have been arrested for fraud *19 have been accused of writing bad checks *117 have bankrupted at least two businesses *3 have been arrested for assault *71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit *14 have been arrested on drug-related charges *8 have been arrested for shoplifting *21 are current defendants in lawsuits In 1998 alone, 84 were…

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Chop Chop

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when, all of a sudden, this great big dude comes in and — WHACK! — he knocks him off the bar stool and says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.” The little guy thinks, “GEEZ” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again. All of a sudden, –WHACK! — the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, “That was a…

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Bad Breath

It’s Harold’s first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walkway when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife’s foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walkway and hops in the…

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Jury Selection

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: “An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.’” “See, I have a problem with that passion business,” responded the jury candidate. “During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my…

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Cynic’s Dictionary

ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation. BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles. BULIMIA: Retched excess. CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence. CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses. CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work. DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one’s grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music. DNA:…

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The Shoes

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The salesman says, “But, sir, I can see from up here you’re at least a size 11.” The guy says, “Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe.” The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain. He says to the salesman, “I lost my business and my house, I…

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