Bu Jokes - page 129

the way they are…

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year’s incoming freshmen. Here’s this year’s list: **************************************** 1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980. 2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot. 3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.…

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NFL Consolidation

The NFL announced today in a press conference that one team from the league needed to be eliminated. What officials have decided to do is combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team therefore saving jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS…. They’re only good for one period and have no second string.

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Now that’s cheap

A soldier from the Scottish Royal Pipers brought a carefully wrapped package into the dry cleaners. “Good mornin’, Sergeant”, said the clerk behind the counter. “What can we do for ye today.” Gingerly undoing the string and the wrapping paper, the sergeant opened the box and carefully removed a used, wet Trojan contraceptive. “I’d like a quotation to have this dry cleaned”, he said. “Well, Sir, I would have to charge you fifty cents to dry clean it, but you…

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Stop that coffin!!

There’s a man walking home alone at night, and there is a “BUMP…BUMP…BUMP” behind him. He walks faster and looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging it’s way down the middle of the street towards him… “BUMP … BUMP…BUMP…” The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces after him faster…faster…BUMPBUMPBUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door… locks it…and the coffin crashes through his door and…

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Baby Pictures

Baby Photographer The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.” Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. You don’t know me but I’ve come to….” “Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting…

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How to Satisfy a Man

How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive,…

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Cultural Differences

There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman 2 New Zealand men and 1 New…

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THE SALARY THEOREM

Usually, Dilbert is very realistic, but never so much as in this! Dilbert’s “Salary Theorem” states that: “Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people.” This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates: (which we all accept as true) Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer and scientist knows: Power = Work/Time Since: Knowledge = Power and Time = Money,…

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Resumania

“Resumania” is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting’s parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates’ resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here’s some examples: “I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.” (And an eye on the “e” section of the dictionary, evidently.) “Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.”…

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