Bit by bit Jokes - page 32

Midget in a bar

Midget walks into a bar, throws a five dollar bill on the table and says to the bartender, “Give me a five dollar shot of your best whiskey! And who’s the toughest son of a bitch in this bar tonight?” The bartender pours the midget a nice healthy shot of Crown Royal and says, “Well, I’d say the large fellow at the end of the bar is the toughest son of a bitch in this bar tonight.” Well the midget…

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Three Cowboys. . .

Three cowboys sat around a western campfire, each with that macho bravado we’ve come to expect from the American West and the American Cowboy. The first cowboy pipes up, “You know, a bull got loose in the corral today . . . gored six men to death before I wrestled him to the ground and slit his throat with my fingernail.” The second cowboy, not wanting to be bested, said. “Oh yeah, well just last week a rattler, six feet…

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letter of recommendation

If you have to write a ‘letter of recommendation’ for a fired employee, here are a few suggested phrases: -For the chronically absent: A man like him is hard to find. It seemed her career was just taking off. -For the office drunk: I feel his real talent is wasted here. We generally found him loaded with work to do. Every hour with him was a happy hour. -For an employee with no ambition: He could not care less about…

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Business Lessons

Lesson Number One: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit noticed the crow, and asked, “Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered, “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral Of The Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very,…

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X-Ray Parrot

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounced three sequential colors. One day, they heard, “yellow, blue, black.” One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were…

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Texan Divorce

Storming into his lawyer’s office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride. “What’s the problem?” “I want to hit that adulterin’ bitch for breach of contract,” snapped the oil man. “I don’t know if that will fly,” said the lawyer. “I mean your wife isn’t a piece of property. You don’t own her!” “Damn right,” the tycoon rejoined, “but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin’ rights!”

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Old Toad

Q. What’s the difference between a regular toad and a horny toad? A. A regular toad says, “Ribbitt, ribbitt,” and a horny toad says, “Rub it, rub it.”

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Potty Mouth Parrot

A guy once had a parrot that had a very dirty mouth. He would bring a date home and the parrot would squawk, “Somebody’s gonna get screwed!” Of course, the girls would get mad and leave. This went on for about 3 or 4 weeks, until finally he got so frustrated that he went back to the pet store where he had purchased the bird. He asked the pet store owner how to stop his parrot from scaring away his…

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In uniform

One policeman says to the other: “When I get home, I am going to rip the wife’s knickers and bra off.” “That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it!?” says the other policeman. “No, the elastic is killing me!!!” was replied.

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