Bet Jokes - page 45

The Sad Passing of a Legend

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch, and many others. The graveside was piled high in flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who ?never knew how much…

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What NOT to Say to a Police Officer

Since going beyond the speed limit is the national sport in many countries, there is universal disdain for those uniformed creatures who stop you while you are driving. Here are a few things best left unsaid. – Hey, you must’ve been doing’ about 125 to keep up with me! Good job! – Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in. – I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.…

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Famous Quotes About Drinking…..

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. –Ernest Hemmingway Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. –Winston Churchill He was a wise man, who invented beer. –Plato Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. –Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. –Churchill’s reply When I read about…

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The Italian who went to Malta

(Must be read with an Italian accent) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the lady…

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Three balls

There was this man named John who was born with three balls. Doctors checked him over as an infant and determined that this was not an abnormal growth. It was indeed a third testicle. As a grown man, John would go from town to town, hit the bars and bet people he had three balls. There were immediate takers, and when he dropped his pants, they were stunned to see that they had lost the bet, because there before their…

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Gay Head

For those of you who don’t know, Gay Head is the name of a small town on Martha’s Vineyard, now renamed to Aquinna (I can’t imagine why they renamed it). It is known for its fabulous beach and stunning red cliffs overlooking the beach. On my recent vacation, I decided to go there for the day. Feeling a little brave, I decided to head for the Northwest end of the beach. This is where bathing suits are optional. As I…

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A memo from Bill

A memo…. Mr. John Hinkley St. Elizabeth Hospital Washington D.C. Dear John, Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our Country’s new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land. Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you…

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Santa’s Bitter

T’was the night before Chrismas – Old Santa was pissed He cussed out the elves and threw down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have good mind to scap the whole works I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of “Thanks Santa” – whad do i hear The old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money – The reindeer all fight Rudoph got drunk and goosed all the…

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