Ass x Jokes - page 87

US Tourists

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. “She’s not from the States.” “Yes I am.” said the wife. He looked at her and asked, “Is he your husband?” “Yes,” she…

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NUTS

Phil was driving home from the insurance office where he worked when his right rear tire blew. He bumped along to a stop in front of the State Mental Hospital where he noticed that he was being observed by a patient sitting on the grass. Realizing this was not a dangerous inmate, Phil ignored him and pried off the hubcap. He got the car jacked up and spun the five lug nuts off the wheel, dropping them carefully in the…

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If Men Ruled the World……

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.” Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a timeout. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it. The…

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Hello, little boy

(This joke is very visual) One day a young boy was walking to school. He cut through an alley where he met a hooker. “Hello little boy.” said the hooker as she waved her pinky finger at him. ‘What’s up with the pinky?’ thought the boy. After school the boy went back through the alley and the hooker was back again. “Hello little boy,” she said and waved at him with her pinky finger. ‘Again with the pinky, what’s up…

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evil clone

An electrician, and a very prosperous one a that, decided to go into the entertainment business. In doing so he became a headliner at a local night club. After a while, the man beacame very tired and couldn’t keep up with both of his jobs. In order to keep up with both his job, and still make a treendous amount of money in the process, he decided to clone himself. In doing so, the clone took over the night club…

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The bike ride

There was a preist and a few nuns riding their bikes to the mass held some miles down the road. They go over a rather small bump and the nuns start giggling. The priest thought nothing of it. They go over a bump just a little bigger than the last; they start laughing a bit harder. This time the preist has a disappointed look on his face but still says nothing. They go over a bump that is much bigger.…

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Monkey See

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.” The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. “You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up…

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Parrot in a Church

One day a woman’s phone rang and it was her church preacher asking her to bring a pet to church. So on Saturday night, she went to the pet shop to buy a parrot to teach it to pray. She found one and bought it. She brought the bird home and tried to get it to talk, but it wouldn’t. The next day she woke up and got ready for church. She looked out the window and said, “God damit!…

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Lawyers as Patients

Four doctors who hadn?t seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar. Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they turned their conversation to who makes the best surgical patients: The first said, for sure, electrical engineers. ?You open ?em up,? he contended, ?and everything is color-coded.? ?Nah,? said the second. ?It?s librarians. You open ?em up and everything is alphabetized.? The third scoffed. ?Of course not,? he said. ?It?s accountants. You open ?em up and everything is…

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Absolute Accuracy

Mr. Smith, in the course of an out of town trip, had met a most accommodating young lady and had spent a satisfactory night with her in the motel at which he was registered. At least, it was most satisfactory until about 3 A.M., when the young lady began to weep in heartbroken fashion. Mr. Smith, worried lest the noise of weeping attract unwanted attention, and untterly uncertain as to what might follow, said nervously, “What’s wrong, miss?” The young…

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