Ass x Jokes - page 82

Poetic Inspiration

A professor asked a student to remain after class one day. Holding out the young man’s assignment, the professor said, “Did you write this poem all by yourself?” The student said, “Yes, every word of it.” The professor said, “Well, then, I’m delighted to meet you, Mr. Poe. I had heard this rumor that you were long dead!”

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The Crocodile Joke

This bloke comes in to a pub in the Northern Territory (Australia) with a four-meter salt-water crocodile on a steel chain. Naturally, the patrons are shit scared and jump up on what ever they can find. The publican comes over and says “Get that thing out of here!” The bloke replies “I can?t, he?s my pet!” The publican says, “Well tie him up outside!” The bloke says, “No way, he?ll get lonely! And besides he safe.” “Safe?” say the publican,…

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Pledge of Allegiance

The teacher advised the class that they start each day with the pledge of allegiance and instructed them to put their right hand over their hearts and repeat after her. As she starts the recitation, she looks around the room, “I pledge allegiance to the flag . . .” When her eyes fell on Johnny, she found he had his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks. “Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your…

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3 vampires

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first vampire orders a glass of warm blood. So the bartender puts a glass of blood in the microwave then gives it to him. The second vampire orders a glass of cold blood. So the bartender puts two ice cubes into the blood and gives it to him. The third vampire orders a glass of boiling water. “Don’t vampires only drink blood” the bartender says. The vampire pulls a tampon out of his…

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I’ve lost my memory

An elderly couple were having trouble remembering things. The man advised the woman that he thought they should see a doctor. Both agreed and went to the doctor. The doctor stated that was no big problem and that it is easily cured. “Get yourself a tablet and when you think of something write it on the tablet.” The couple returned home. Later that evening the man asked the woman if she would kindly get him a glass of ice water.…

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Frozen Cows

Farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a cold night but he’d never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with…

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Lawyers

In a bar, men were drinking and having fun!! A man jumps up and yells out “all lawyers are Assholes”!!! Another man jumps up and says “I resent that” “why” asks the first man “are you a lawyer”? “No” replied the man “I am an Asshole”!!

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Love Hurts!

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy’s van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back…all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out “Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!” The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off and proceeds to whip the girl…

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Try the old ’standby’ excuse

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and Paula & I are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As we walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes crazy! He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He’s obviously excited, looking at Paula in the sexy dress. Of course,…

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Read JokeTry the old ’standby’ excuse

spelling bee

one sunny afternoon,a teacher was trying to prepare her class for a sentence test.so the teacher called on sally-sue and told her to use stupid in a sentence.so sally-sue said billy-bob is very stupid.next was billy-bob.the teacher told him to use dictate in a sentence.so this is what he said…sally-sue say my dictate good!

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Read Jokespelling bee