All ears Jokes - page 9

Quotes

Quotes to Ponder… “Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.” “We having nothing to fear but fear itself. That, and maybe getting mugged by someone wearing a “No Fear” T-shirt.” –Lev L. Spiro “There’s no real need to do housework — after four years it doesn’t get any worse.” “Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.” –Dykstra “O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is…

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You got fucked

This guy walked into a bar a nude bar he sat down at the counter and told the bartender he wanted to get fucked. This guy was 30 years old and still a virgin, pretty damn pathetic if you ask me. Anyway this man was somewhat desperate. So he asks the bartender where he could go to get fucked. The bartender pauses for a moment (seeing how desprate this guy is) and he gives the guy an address to go…

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No Offense, West Virginians

A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pickupon I-79. He says to the driver, “Got any ID?” The driver says, “‘Bout what?” ———————————— Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 West Virginia State Lottery? A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years. ———————————— Q: Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to southern West Virginia? A: He heard that everyone has the same DNA. ———————————— Q: Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Charleston, WV…

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Lessons I’ve Learned

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big dick or huge tits. I’ve…

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14 year old Johnny

Little 14 year old Johnny was in his room masturbating. Suddenly, his Mother opened the door and caught him. Thinking fast, she told him that he shouldn’t be doing that, he should save it for when he gets married. Twelve years later, Johnny fell in love and got married. At his reception, he pulled his Mother aside and asked her if she remembered what she had told him when she caught him masturbating. She said yes, she did. Hearing this,…

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Don’t shoot!

Many years ago, a girlfriend of mine attempted to introduce “culture” into my dismal life, by taking me to our nation’s finest museums, art galleries and concert halls. I was genuinely impressed with her love of the arts, and made a serious attempt to learn, but I guess I forgot to mention to her that “creating humor” is ALSO an “art.” On one journey to a nice art gallery, we marveled at a life-sized replica of the statue of the…

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Canadian Conflict

One day, a Newfie, a Quebecer and an Albertan were walking down the street when they came across an old lamp. The Newfie picked it up and gave it a good rub. Lo and behold, out popped a genie. The genie said, “I’ve been imprisoned in that lamp for 2000 years and since you have released me, I will give each of you one wish.” The Newfie thought about it for a minute and said, “Well, my granfather was a…

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Enter your Password

I was working in a wall street investment bank about 10 years ago when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new sofware system. My colleague, Barry, with his usual rebellious attitude, entered the password, “Penis.” We nearly died laughing when the computer issued the following reply to his choice of passwords: ***PASSWORD REJECTED! TOO SHORT.***

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By the Numbers

A tourist was passing through a small town one day. He went into a tavern to get a beer and he saw all the locals sitting around shouting out numbers and laughing. He asked a man at the table next to him what was going on. The guy answered “We’ve been telling the same jokes over and over for years now, so for convenience we’ve numbered all our jokes. We simply yell out the number instead of telling the entire…

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The Big Hole

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. “Wow…that looks deep.” “Sure does… toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.” They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait… no noise. “Jeeez. That is REALLY deep… here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.” They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and…

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